Inelegant Solutions » New Orleans

Mardi Gras 2009: Wrap Up

Jonathan — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 16:01:16 +0000

Mardi Gras 2009 is over. At 12:01 AM this morning local time, the police swept Bourbon St., shutting down the celebrations and bringing on the coming of Ash Wednesday. Another Mardi Gras is in the books.

Some people asked what I thought of this year’s Mardi Gras, unfortunately though, I don’t have a lot to say about it. I was sick the entire week before and most of the weekend before too. My revelry was limited to a bit on Sunday and Monday evening and most of the day Tuesday. I wasn’t able to go to any of my favorite parades, save Krewe Du Vieux early in the season, and it really feels like I missed most of this year and I don’t even have any pictures to share (be thankful for Photodropper).

Which, unfortunately, is a terrible shame. It was a very good Mardi Gras. In my estimation, it was the first Mardi Gras since Katrina that felt like the holiday was “back”. The 2006 one was a very bittersweet one, largely for the locals and the workers rebuilding the city. The 2007 one was still too early after Katrina. 2008 was just too early in the year (early Mardi Gras are always more tame) and this was the first time the city has both healed enough and has had a good date to work with.

On that front, 2010 looks very promising, with a mid-February date and 2011 even more so, with an early March date. I think we’re poised for a good run of Mardi Gras years coming up.

A Few Quick Words

The one thing that I did find disappointing is that I came back in the mid-afternoon from the festivities, I needed a break and I had to record a podcast (the parades outside my office had stopped for the day), and I immediately get questions about a shooting along the parade route.

I can’t blame people for worrying about these kinds of things. New Orleans has a very serious problem with violent crime and, sadly, this time it appears some of that spilled onto the parade route. However, Mardi Gras, over all, is a very safe event. When you consider the sheer number of people who gather together deaths or injuries are very rare.

I’ve attended every Mardi Gras since 2003. I’ve been on Bourbon St and in the French Quarter for seven Fat Tuesdays now. I’ve never once seen as much as a serious fist fight. Some heated words exchanged, a shoving match. The only fights I’ve seen on the street were on other weekends and the only Fat Tuesday conflict I’ve seen was a fight between a group of girls waiting for the ferry, a fight Crystal and I broke up with no incident.

Can Mardi Gras be dangerous? Sure. Any time you get a crowd of people together, add alcohol and throw in some competition, things can get ugly. But Mardi Gras has been remarkably safe in New Orleans, even with the city’s high crime and it pains me that the carry away many will have from this year is the shooting.

In short, if you’re smart about how you go to Mardi Gras, treat it like any other crowd situation and follow common sense safety, you should be ok. What happened is unfortunate, but very rare.

Bottom Line

For me, this is going to be the “sick” Mardi Gras, the one where I was too ill to really do much. However, it was a very good one, especially for those interested in costumes, humor and drinking. The revelry was actually pretty tame on Mardi Gras day and the monday before, but the week before, before we got sick, things were already very busy.

It looks to me like Mardi Gras is finally back and, looking at the future calendar, it’s going to be a good run going forward for a few years. If you’ve been wanting to plan a trip for Mardi Gras. Now would be a good time to start thinking about 2010.

Why Boycotts Fail

Jonathan — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 19:23:31 +0000

photo credit: EDgAr H.

Last week, the The Society for Integrative and Comparative Biology announced that they were going to boycott the state of Louisiana due to recent laws passed in the state that has opened the door for creationism to be taught in the state’s schools.

As a result of this, they will not be holding their 2011 meeting in New Orleans, instead, they will be taking it to Utah.

No matter what you think of the politics of teaching creationism in schools, one can easily see why an organization like SICB would be opposed to it and why they might want to do something about it.

But boycotting Louisiana, in particular New Orleans, isn’t going to solve the problem and is only going to hurt good people who work hard and likely agree with them politically. After all, New Orleans is a very liberal city (a bright blue dot in the deep red south) and one of just four parishes to vote against Jindal in the 2007 gubernatorial election.

However, the problem with boycotts runs deeper than that. With only a few exceptions, they are just lazy, ineffective means of protest that do more harm than good. They are misused, especially in modern history, and almost never achieve the intended goal.

The reason is pretty simple when you look at the math.

A Closer Look

Let’s take a look at this proposed boycott of Louisiana.

The current state sales tax in Louisiana is four percent. That means that, by boycotting New Orleans, exactly 4% of the revenue you are not spending in the state actually hurts the state. The other 96% hurts New Orleans, both through city taxes, much needed to aid in the Katrina recovery, and through the businesses and people they would have supported.

Then look at the percentages. The current state budget of Louisiana is just a little over 9 billion dollars. The City of New Orleans, on the other hand, has an annual budget of about 128 million. In short, the City of New Orleans is about seventy times more dependent on SICB revenue even before you consider the fact that the city was going to get the lion’s share anyway.

Essentially what this boycott does is withhold thousands of dollars from New Orleans in hopes of withholding a few pennies from the state of Louisiana. All of this at a time when the City of New Orleans is still struggling to recover from the worst natural disaster in U.S. history and is sandbagged by a tough tourism economy due to economic downturn.

Governor Jindal nor most of the legislators that passed the bill you are protesting will not feel the effects of your boycott. They are too far removed, but the small business owners, many of whom lost everything in the storm, the hotel owners and the City of New Orleans itself may very well.

What this boycott does is fire a bullet at the intended target, knowing that it has to first pass through, employees, business owners, a city government, a parish government and then, maybe it will scratch the target enough to annoy him.

It hardly seems worth it when you consider that, for this boycott to work, countless business that had nothing to do with the bill would have to close, countless jobs, including many belonging to people that never voted for Jindal of the government, will be lost. How many innocent lives will be wrecked before the goal will be achieved?

Of course, the boycott will not work. Other, larger conventions are planned for New Orleans and, though Jindal’s hand may be forced by other means, it won’t be because the SICB decided not to show in 2011.

Instead, it’s going to take a very different and much more effective form of protest to bring about any real change.

The Problem with Boycotting Government

The problem with boycotting government is simple, you can’t withhold your taxes legally. If you could, most people wouldn’t wait for a political issue to not pay up.

The only legal way to boycott a government is by withholding money from the businesses within its borders. This means that you have to hurt the citizens, who may or may not support the government’s actions, in hopes of squeezing a small percent of the revenue out of the government’s coffers, money they likely would just make up with new or higher taxes.

In my life, have never seen a government boycott actually work, though I have seen many good businesses get closed and good people lose their jobs.

But what about boycotting companies when they are the ones doing what you feel is wrong? Take, for example, the marijuana community’s proposed boycott of Kellogg’s for dropping Michael Phelps as a spokesperson.

At least, in these cases, the boycott is direct. You’re withholding money directly from the entity that you feel is in the wrong. However, the question becomes, do you really have the dedication and the market share to make it work? Do you have enough people who are working in solidarity to make even a blip on the sales charts?

The answer is probably not, especially when you’re talking about multi-national corporations. Even if your boycott did make a dent in the revenue, they could just expand operations elsewhere and make most of it back up. Cigarette companies have been doing that for years as Americans have been “boycotting” in droves.

For a boycott to actually work, you need a pretty rare set of circumstances.

A strong, dedicated group to maintain the boycott.
Direct access to the entity’s revenue stream.
A large enough market share to make it hurt.

All of these things came together beautifully in the Montgomery bus boycott during the mid-50s. African-Americans, fed up with segregation on the buses, boycotted riding the bus for over a year in a bid to force them to change their policies. The boycotters made up a large percentage of the riders and the effects were indeed felt, even causing deficits in the system.

However, even then, it required a legal ruling to truly end the segregation on the buses. Even though it was hands-down one of the most successful boycotts in the last 100 years, it required other forms of protest and activism to help it bring about real change.

And that is what is the worst part about boycotting, by itself, it is almost meaningless.

Protesting By Doing Nothing

For all of the talk about “hitting where it hurts” or “striking the wallet” boycotting is a really easy form of protest. All you have to do is NOT buy something. For most boycotts, all you have to do is not buy whatever it is you’re boycotting. At worst that will mean buying another brand or, in the case of the SICB, going to another city.

It’s easy, anyone can do it and, outside of the aforementioned bus boycott, there’s no real sacrifice. For the most part, you can boycott from the comfort of your recliner, no actual protesting or work needed. It’s a way to feel like you’re doing something without actually doing anything.

In short, unless you need something and there are no viable alternatives, a boycott isn’t a sacrifice. With no sacrifice, there is no weight behind the protest.

Is this to say you should give money to companies you don’t support? Of course not. If you disagree with Kellogg’s decision to drop Phelps, by all means don’t buy their products. But whipping it up as some kind of protest is pointless. Also, don’t boycott through proxies, withholding purchases to prevent someone farther up the food chain from getting their cut only hurts the people lower down.

A lot of great and worthwhile causes have been protested by boycott, but real changes in modern history have required much more. Look at all of the great protests in modern times. They involved marches, sit-ins, demonstrations, chanting and a million other forms of active protest. These protests were passive only in their non-violence, they were active in the sacrifice and effort.

If the SICB wants to bring change to Louisiana and is truly concerned about our future, they won’t withhold money from a storm-ravaged city, they will have their conference here and stay an extra day, using that to get on a bus, go to Baton Rouge and protest this bill. They’ll send lawyers to fight in court. They’ll donate money to competing candidates. They’ll do anything other than simply ignore the state and hope it all works out for the better.

If the SICB cared about Louisiana, they would be willing to get their hands dirty and fight. Not just write a letter and take their conference elsewhere.

Bottom Line

I’m issuing a challenge to all of the idle boycotters. Do something. Don’t just sit on your wallet and think that makes everything better. If you believe in something strongly enough to protest it, then doing your part means a great deal more than just not buying its products.

I also challenge you to think long and hard about who a particular boycott hurts the most, which lives will be impacted first, before the ones that you desire to strike at. After all, no protest is worth launching if it is only going to hurt the innocent.

Is there a place for boycotts? Sure. But it is a limited and narrow one and it always comes with some other form of active protest. Take, for example, the recent boycott of the New York Post over a controversial cartoon. It has been coupled with loud and attention-grabbing protests. Whether you agree or disagree with the protesters, it is clear they’re having an impact.

You’re not going to beat anyone but the weakest of foes by boycott alone. If you’re going to bring about real change, you’re going to have to do something more. It is that simple.

If you don’t believe me, then we’ll see if Kellogg’s has added Phelp’s back or if has Jindal changed his mind in a year. Unless more active measures are taken, I don’t see either thing happening any time soon.

Mardi Gras Monday: Beads

Jonathan — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 21:49:16 +0000

photo credit: DoctorWho

Truthfully, I’ve been loathing this article. Keeping this site-family friendly and discussing an item so rightfully associated with very adult activity is a challenge.

So, rather than discuss what one does with them, which is a very personal choice, I’m going to talk about what they are and where you can get them. I’ll leave the rest to your imagination.

So this brings us around to the main question: What are beads? Beads are strands of cheap plastic spheres and shapes strung around a thin cord. They come in all colors and are typically worn during carnival season that you can find them pretty much year-around on weekends in the French Quarter.

So where do you get them and how do you know which are the best? Those questions aren’t nearly as simple.

Where to Get Free Beads

Bead education is so important in the city that, if we had a citizenship test, almost certainly a few bead-related questions would be on it. Nearly every attic and closet in New Orleans is stuffed with beads and most locals describe their collection as an ever-growing one.

The reason is that, every Carnival season, we go to our favorite parades, visit the French Quarter or attend parties and we get more. It’s a love/hate relationship. We make jokes about the beads causing the city to sink and complain about how many we have but, at the same time, we always seem to catch more at the parades and even buy ones we like at stores. They’re the butt of jokes and a source of near-endless fascination for most locals.

But, if you don’t have an attic-busting supply already, where do you get some? The simplest answer is to do like the locals and go to parades. If you go to the parades, for the most part, you’ll be ducking the dammed things.

The truth is that, if you want a lot of beads at Mardi Gras, the parades are far and away the best way to go. Bring a few backpacks, find a good spot and collect away. It’s easy. Without moving a single inch you can literally collect hundreds of pounds of beads over the course of the busiest days.

The catch is that you don’t get much choice in what beads you get. Most of them are going to be pretty basic throws and there is going to be little consistency. On the other hand. some parades do also throw some very nice beads and you get the chance to catch other throws such as dubloons, spears, etc.

In short, when that woman you know comes back from Mardi Gras with a trunk full of beads and everyone asks slyly what she did to get them. If she says go to the parades, she’s probably not lying.

Where to Buy Beads

If you want more control over your beads or you don’t want to stand around a parade route for hours on end, you’re going to have to buy them. Fortunately, there are a lot of good places to do so.

The best bet, in general, is the stores outside the city. As a general rule, the farther away you get from the city, the less you’ll pay. If you’re already in New Orleans, there are several stores along I-10 in Slidell, about thirty to forty minutes east of downtown, across the bridges, that offer great selections and good prices. These are great to hit as you come into the city if you are driving in from the east as you literally can not miss them.

There are also some as you go out toward the west in Metairie and Kenner, those being on Veteran’s Blvd. for the most part.

The closest place, however, is across the river on the Westbank, there is a Mardi Gras shop along the elevated expressway that offers pretty good prices and a decent selection. Though it may not be able to trump the places in Slidell (or in Metaire) in either department, for those needing something on short order, it’s a good bet.

The main thing to remember though is that the shops in the French Quarter and CBD are rip offs. They might offer decent deals on individual beads, but their deals on dozens and any quantity are a total wash. If you find yourself absolutely having to buy some in the Quarter, go down to Decatur street, near the river, and buy from those shops. The stores tend to be a bit larger and the prices are better.

Determining Quality

Beads are not like diamonds. There is no set scale for determining which bead will be preferred over another. A big part of that is because much of that is personal opinion and sentiment. The other reason is because no one bothered, until today…

When considering which beads to buy or when determining which to keep from a parade, remember the completely made up word “CLUM”:

Circumference: The diameter of the bead is the single most important factor for determining how much it is worth. Regular throws may have an quarter inch bead where some of the ones you can buy can go up to many inches on the largest bead. The bigger around the beads, the more appealing they are, the more they cost and, the biggest drawback, the fewer you can carry.
Length: The longer the bead, the more valuable it is. The shortest beads are 33 inches, which is barely enough to get over your head without a clasp, but they can go to 92 inches and longer.
Uniqueness: If a bead is rare, it is worth more. It can be hard to tell which beads meet that qualification and it can change from year to year depending on what is trendy. But if you buy your beads at the shops away from the Quarter, you’ll likely have some that those who never left downtown won’t recognize. Look for beads that had different colors (not Mardi Gras colors or white), are in unusual shapes, light up and generally look different than everything else.
Medallion: A lot of beads have some kind of medallion(s) hanging from it. Some include traditional Mardi Gras items such as masks or krewe logos, others can be anything from food items to alligators and even “adult” items. The better the medallion, typically the better the bead.

The CLUM is roughly in the order of the importance of each item. However, if you get a bead that is VERY unique or has a great medallion, such as the musical ones some parades throw, you’ll want to hang onto it.

Obviously though, the key is that you’re going to want to get and keep the beads that look the best to you. The options are literally limitless and I’m sure you’ll find some beads that, though not particularly valuable to others, might mean a great deal to you.

After all, beads are like anything else in the world, sometimes a memory and a good story far exceeds the traditional value of the item.

Some Basic Tips

Real fast, here are some tips and tricks for dealing with beads:

Storage and transport: Beads are like Christmas lights in that they have a magic ability to form huge knots. If you are going to have a lot of beads, metal shower curtain rings (the kind that look like a pear or teardrop) are your best friends. The make it easy to store and transport without the risk of them becoming a huge ball of plastic.
Bead Repair: If you have a bead that you like break, you can likely fix it by twisting the broken ends together and fusing them with a cigarette lighter. You can melt the plastic beads like metal with a blow torch and fuse them together. Though it’s not worth doing for most strands, but definitely something to keep in mind.
Bead Disposal: If you have a bunch of beads you don’t want, throwing them out doesn’t make a great deal of sense. There are several great ways you can get rid of them. First off, taking them to retirement homes near Mardi Gras time is a great way to help them decorate and bring a smile to senior citizens (I get rid of most of my beads this way as my mother in law works for Hospice). Also, there are impromptu parades where locals and other with too many beads throw them to tourists. Along those lines, you can always try giving them away if you’re not in the area, after all, outside of the city, most people don’t have a closet full of them. Finally, there are recycling programs for beads in the gulf coast area.

In short, there are a lot of ways to help prevent your bead collection from becoming a mangled mess of broken strands. If you want to cherish them, or at least avoid throwing them out, it’s worth the time to plan for it.

Bottom Line

Beads are a lot of fun. Though they have a risque reputation there isn’t such a strong stigma in the city. Children love them, parents collect them and everyone has at least some. When you can scoop them up by the fistful on the street, they lose some of their stigma.

The reputation is one that exists mostly outside of the city and there is nothing more harmless and innocent than coming home after the parades and seeing what all you got.

No matter what your goals are though, it pays to understand the fundamentals of Mardi Gras beads. It’ll help you get the better deals and keep your luggage from bursting a the seams.

Mardi Gras Monday: Alcohol

Jonathan — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 21:18:58 +0000

photo credit: nyki_m

If you want to learn about “portion distortion”, head to Bourbon St. on a Saturday night.

Between the “Huge Ass” beers, fishbowl hurricanes, giant hand grenade glasses and much more, “only having a couple of drinks” is even more meaningless to the nice police officers than usual.

Alcohol is entwined with Mardi Gras in a way that no one can deny. From drunken revelry in the French Quarter to the wine tastings in the Garden District, alcohol is practically the gasoline that fuels Mardi Gras.

Now, I have to plead a little bit of ignorance. I’m not really much of a drinker, I much prefer a glass of wine at home to a pair of hurricanes in the quarter. However, I’ve brought in a little bit of help (from both Google and harder drinking friends) and am going to bring you the need-to-know information about drinking during Mardi Gras.

A Word About Open Containers

Before we go any farther, we need to stop and talk about New Orleans open container law. Within the city, it is perfectly legal to carry an open alcoholic container in the street. No need for brown paper bags or anything to the like. You’re allowed to drink and have drinks in pubilc.

The caveat is that your drinks can not be in glass containers. The reason is that glass gets dropped and shatters, becoming a danger for others on the street, especially pedestrians. That problem is amplified along parade routes and the French Quarter, where people are crammed in tight and can’t watch their feet.

During most weeks of the year, the police are pretty relaxed on this policy. They might remind you to get a plastic cup or otherwise nudge you to throw out the container, but they rarely write tickets. However, around Mardi Gras, cops are working way too much overtime and the danger is far greater. The police do not hesitate to write tickets for this infraction.

It may not sink your Mardi Gras vacation, but it can be a great way to put a damper on your day.

The good news is that most places that sell alcohol in New Orleans do so in plastic containers. You’ll be hard pressed to find a glass beer bottle anywhere in the French Quarter. If you are smart enough to not bring glass bottles with you, you’ll probably be fine. Do be wary of the places that are selling glass bottles though, they are trying to keep you in the bar sneakily.

What You’re Supposed to Drink

If you come to New Orleans, your friends and family will tell you that you need to drink certain traditional beverages while you are here, including the following:

Hurricanes: Defining a Hurricane has become pretty tricky. Traditionally it is a drink that mixes a series of rums with strong-flavored juices along with some lemon/lime soda and crusted ice. Usually served in a distinct “hurricane glass”. The idea is to hide the rum flavor, which a good Hurricane does well, making it taste more like juice or Kool-Aid while still packing a strong alcoholic punch. Now though, variations include nearly every kind of alcohol, every kind of juice and every kind of container, most amusing being a fishbowl. Best (and most traditional) Hurricanes are usually found at Pat O’Brien’s on Bourbon.
Hand Grenades: Little is known about the Hand Grenade. It is served only in a few locations in New Orleans, the main one being the Tropical Isle on Bourbon St. and it is served in a long glass fashioned like an old stick grenade. Though it claims to be New Orleans’ strongest drink, that title is very much in dispute. It boasts a very melon-like flavor and is served through a long straw. It has a natural advantage in the French Quarter as it is difficult to spill the glass, even in the jostling crowds, but one does have to go to great lengths to get one at times as they are both scarce and popular.
The Jester: Widely viewed as a knock off of the Hand Grenade, The Jester tries to claim the title of New Orleans’ strongest drinks by, allegedly, packing more alcohol into the concoction. Most seem to prefer Hand Grenades but there are more than a few defenders of The Jester, including a lot of bleary-eyed drinkers in the early AM.

The problem with these drinks is that, while you should definitely try them, they are also very expensive. Though most drinks on Bourbon St. are cheap, these specialty drinks can run up a tab in a hurry, costing five dollars or more on the cheap end. Though they are large drinks that will certainly last with you for some time, most people quickly switch to other beverages to save money and, more importantly, avoid unnecessary trips to the restroom.

What You Will Be Drinking

If you’re like most tourists, you will try, and enjoy, the famous mixed drinks but end up steering clear of them for most of the time. As good as they are, most people just return to their roots.

As such, you’ll likely be switching to beer (Bourbon St. being famous for its “Huge Ass” beers for a few dollars) and, more importantly, shots.

Shots are probably the best drinking tip anyone can give you during Mardi Gras time. The reason is that shots give one the right amount of alcohol at a good price, usually around $2 a shot, and it doesn’t come with a need to go to the restroom every few hours.

Though the city of New Orleans brings in a lot of portable toilets for Mardi Gras season, you’re probably not going to be too eager to visit them, so doing the occasional shot, as opposed to carrying around a beer or mixed drink, will keep you from needing a restroom too often while helping you keep your blood alcohol level about where you want it.

However, I do encourage everyone to at least try the better-known local drinks. They are pretty good and well worth experiencing at least once. If you’re a drinker at all, you’d be remiss to not get at least a sip.

Bottom Line

Personally, I have a rule that I don’t drink at Mardi Gras time and, if I do, it is limited to one or two small beverages a day. Cost is a big factor in it but wanting to keep my wits about me is far more important. Since I will be doing at least some driving every given day, for me, keeping alcohol to a minimum is crucial, if I don’t just cut it out completely, which is much more typical.

There are plenty of things to do in the French Quarter that don’t require drinking to enjoy, in fact, I find that I have a lot more fun with my camera and a friendly smile. If you’re going to be in town for a week or more, why not make at least one day an alcohol-free day, perhaps on the weekend before, just to see how it goes?

Above all else though, be safe when drinking in the city. You don’t want your Mardi Gras story to end with an arrest, a regrettable affair or, even worse, a horrible accident. Be smart, be safe and know your limits.

I know it’s Mardi Gras, but you’re going to want to go home at some point…

Mardi Gras Monday: Sleeping and Parking

Jonathan — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 20:32:31 +0000

photo credit: mil8

This is part of an ongoing series of Mardi Gras-related posts. You can follow the rest of the posts here.

If you’re visiting New Orleans for Mardi Gras, you’re going to face two challenges, finding a place to stay and finding a place to park.

It may not be the most pleasant things to think about when visiting New Orleans, but if you don’t put some planning into them your time here is going to be ruined and they are two very easy things to mess up.

The problem is pretty simple. Though New Orleans is a tourist town, Mardi Gras is the absolute peak of its season. Though the entire time between Halloween and Fat Tuesday is active in general, in the last weeks, the city gets slammed. Hotels fill up quickly and parking, already scarce in the city as it is an older one (much of it laid out before automobiles), becomes prized.

So how do you overcome these obstacles? There are a lot of ways, but here are some of my tips.

Finding a Hotel

If you haven’t found your hotel yet for the 2009 Mardi Gras, my suggestion is simple, find one anywhere you can. Use your favorite hotel sites, search for and locate any reasonably priced hotel. It’s that simple.

That being said, there are a few games that local hotels will play to tourists that order online. So before you enter your credit card, lets do a quick sanity check.

Distance: Sure, every hotel plays games with their location, but take a moment to actually map the hotel. The reasons is this, many hotels will say that they are “five miles” or “fifteen minutes” from the French Quarter and, though they are technically correct, it doesn’t mean anything. The problem is that New Orleans is bisected by a river and many of the “closest” hotels to the French Quarter on the other side. The West bank side of the river isn’t a bad place to stay (I live there) but you will have to cross a very busy toll bridge and battle with floats, which come from this side of the river, to get to the other side. It might be worth it, but you might do better being farther away, but actually on the right side of the river.
French Quarter: Personally, I would never get a hotel in the French Quarter itself. There are many nice ones but they are likely booked already. First, even if the hotel has parking, driving in the quarter is nearly impossible on the best of days and at Mardi Gras, with so many street closures, it likely IS impossible. Second, the French Quarter is a big section of the city and not all of it is very safe. As such, you run the risk of getting a hotel in a part of town you wouldn’t like walking through.
Room Size: Many of the hotels in New Orleans, especially downtown, are renovated offices. As such, the rooms tend to be very small. Though they are fine for two people, just a little tight, don’t think you’re going to get four into a room and not suffer. If you’re bringing a group, check the size of the hotel room before you go. If it’s cramped when you get there, it’s too late.

Generally speaking, you’re best off either staying with friends (you’ll find New Orleanians often quite used to this request and many leave town during Mardi Gras, leaving empty houses) or in one of the large hotels in the CBD, the downtown area across Canal St. from the French Quarter. The hotels there are very large and within walking distance of everything.

Failing that, finding a good chain hotel in Metairie can work for you, especially if the hotel provides a good shuttle service. If needed, you can find cabs at any hour of the night in the downtown area. Still, wouldn’t kill you to take a couple of taxi company names and numbers with you in your cell phone.

Finally, anything along the Westbank Expressway, meaning across the river, can also work. Just build in extra money for the toll, it is one dollar per trip to the East bank, and time to get to the other side of the river.

Parking

The best piece of advice is to not bring your car if you can avoid it. Parking in New Orleans is challenging under the best of conditions and is worse around Mardi Gras. If you’re flying into the city, don’t rent a car if you don’t have some pressing need, you’ll find it cheaper to use shuttles and taxis, not to mention easier.

That being said, if you’re driving in or definitely will have a car, parking is going to be one of your biggest challenges. The easiest solution is, once again, to use shuttles and taxis and park somewhere away from the action, but that might not be practical. If you insist upon driving into the city, be prepared to pay or to walk.

Here are the main traps non-locals fall into:

Non-spaces: New Orleans, in the downtown area, does have a lot of street parking but much, if not most, of it is illegal. First there are driveways and garages, which parking in front of is an automatic tow. Then there are parade routes and street cleaning zones, which are also two zones during the designated times. Then you have bus zones, police zones. can zones, hotel zones and more that can also result in tickets or towing. Then, even if you do find parking, meter enforcement is fairly strict around this time of year. Locals often struggle to decipher the confusing myriad of times and signs, those from out of town have it even worse and, though New Orleans isn’t as pricey as New York in towing fees, it isn’t cheap either.
False Prices: All parking garages/lots raise their prices at Mardi Gras. All of them. However, many will leave out their old signs advertising rates half the price or less of their “holiday” ones. Look for specially posted “holiday” or “special event” rates before pulling in or you may suffer from sticker shock. It may also behoove you to book your place in advance, if you’re going to be here for a while, you can book a monthly contract at a rate less than several days worth of regular parking.
Blocked In: Be careful where you park. If you park somewhere along a parade route, you may find yourself in a position where you can’t leave until after all of the parades are over for the day. Typically this is only a problem if you arrive early in the early AM or in the days well before Mardi Gras. However, some garages have exits that dump onto parade routes and many streets downtown are one way. Best to be careful.

If you insist on bringing a car, be prepared to walk, a lot. You can find a lot of parking along the river and away from the parade routes if you are willing to hoof it half a mile or more. Walking in New Orleans isn’t that bad in the Winter and during the day. If you plan on staying late, odds are your activities ask for a taxi anyway.

Another strategy is to park on the other side of the river. Before you think I’m crazy, there’s a ferry that runs between Canal St. and an area of the West bank called Algier’s Point. The Point does not have plentiful parking, though its paid parking is cheaper, but you can usually find a space a few blocks away, hop on the ferry and be only a few blocks from Bourbon St. and the parade route. Something most non-locals don’t realize.

The drawback to this is that the ferry stops running at midnight. Meaning if you plan on making a very late night of it, you’ll still be taking a taxi home.

Finally, use hotel parking if available. Though it might be pricey, if you got a hotel in the CBD, it’s probably the best place to keep your car and not touch it until you’re ready to leave. The reason is simple, you don’t need to drive to get anywhere. That simple.

Conclusions

Most people don’t think about parking or finding a hotel and, if they do, they don’t put adequate time into it. These are issues that can really affect your New Orleans experience so it is worth taking a few moments to figure them out before you put wheels to the ground.

Next week, we’re back to the fun stuff…

Mardi Gras Monday: Food

Jonathan — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 20:57:37 +0000

photo credit: Photo Mojo

This is part of an ongoing series of Mardi Gras-related posts. You can follow the rest of the posts here.

Granted, food is not the most common thing that people associate with Mardi Gras, but New Orleans truly is a city that cherishes its cuisine and, as a result, there is a great deal of food that goes with the holiday.

However, the food of Mardi Gras, and of New Orleans in general, can seem a bit odd to people not from the region. Though those from Louisiana, especially the southern part of the state, make this kind of cooking a part of their daily lives, it’s going to seem a bit odd to those who are just visiting.

So what kind of food should you been on the lookout for or try when you’re in New Orleans for Mardi Gras. Here are some of my picks.

King Cake

In New Orleans, no food is more associated with Mardi Gras than king cake. Plain king cake has a texture and taste somewhat close to a cinnabon. It’s very doughy and is flavored with a healthy amount of cinnamon. Typically it is topped with purple, gold and green icing, the traditional colors of Mardi gras, giving it a very sweet flavor that also makes it a diabetic nightmare.

Though “plain” king cake has a slight cinnamon flavor, you can get “cinnamon” flavored that sometimes has extra. Also, there are a variety of other flavors including cream cheese, praline, coconut, banana, pumpkin and the list goes on (way on at some places).

What makes king cakes unique is they all come with a trinket baked inside. In New Orleans, the trinket is typically a baby, according to many used to represent baby Jesus. Getting the slice of cake means a lot of different things depending on the environment. Some groups consider the person king or queen for the day, others, especially in workplaces, say that the person who gets the baby has to purchase the next king cake.

King cake, like any other cake, is typically eaten as a dessert and works best with large groups. However, you can easily find smaller king cakes for one or two people. The argument about where to get the best king cake will rage on in the city for generations, but there is little doubt that the local bakeries, of which there are many, do a better job than the local grocery stores.

In short, if you want the best king cake, don’t go to Wal-Mart (though actually local Wal-Marts do have them).

Other Foods

The other foods typically associated with a New Orleans Mardi Gras are not Mardi Gras-centric foods, but rather local cuisine that is associated with the city itself. This namely includes cajun and creole foods. As for the difference between them, I’m not getting into that discussion as that could be a series of posts on its own and, as Tabasco points out, no one really seems to agree.

Here are the typical foods that a tourist might be interested in trying during a short stay in the city:

Gumbo: Gumbo is the most common food associated with the region. It is a thick soup with meat, vegetables and a heavy dose of spices, typically served over rice. It comes in two varieties, seafood (which is crawfish and shrimp) and chicken/sausage. Though you can get crawfish any time of the year, it is typically the best between late spring and early summer, making Mardi Gras a bit early for the best seafood gumbo. Though you can find it, most places that take gumbo seriously will still be selling chicken/sausage gumbo. You may also wish to try your gumbo with filé, a spicy powder that tops the dish.
Po-Boys: Looking at a po-boy, many assume it is just another submarine sandwich. However, unlike Subway, these sandwhiches are served on french bread and typically feature fried seafood items such a shrimp, catfish, etc. However, there are turkey, ham and more common meat po-boys. Often times po-boys are referred to as “dressed”, which means as having lettuce, tomato and mayo (sometimes dressed includes pickles and onions as well).
Étouffée: Étouffée is a seafood (usually crawfish) stew that is also served over rice. Though it has a great deal in common with gumbo, it is much thicker usually and generally more precise in standards. Where gumbo is like a soup, Étouffée is usually more like a topping for the rice with sauce.

Though you can get these foods at just about any time in New Orleans (the seafood items being better after Mardi Gras), since so many tourists come to the city for Mardi Gras, this is the time they seem to get the most attention.

Conclusions

Food is a big part of the history of New Orleans and its culture. Visiting New Orleans without tasting the cuisine is like not listening to any Jazz or seeing Bourbon Street.

It’s a big part of the city and a huge part of Mardi Gras. So in between the partying, parades and revelry, take time out to eat some of the local food. Not only are you helping the economy, but you’re completing the New Orleans experience.

Mardi Gras Monday: Parades

Jonathan — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 21:36:14 +0000

photo credit: Toast to Life

This is part of an ongoing series of Mardi Gras-related posts. You can follow the rest of the posts here.

Parades are one of the most overlooked parts of Mardi Gras. Since they don’t (for the most part) take place in the French Quarter these days (due to the combination of large floats and narrow streets) many outside of the region even forget that they are a big part of the festivities.

However, locals and die-hard Mardi Gras fans never forget it. Every Mardi Gras comes with over 50 parades in the region, most of them in the immediate greater New Orleans (GNO) area. They range in size and include such famous Krewes as Rex, Zulu, Morpheus, Orpheus and Endymnion.

With the parade schedule about to start in earnest for the 2009 year, I felt it worthwhile to go over some general tips and tricks beyond the ones you find in most parade maps and calendars.

If you want to enjoy parades like a local, here is what you need to know.

Some Quick Background

Mardi Gras parades are put on by krewes (pronounced the same as crews for those with no clue). Krewes are local social clubs and charities that organize and fund these parades as well as some other, smaller events.

The privilege of joining a krewe and riding a float is not an easy one to obtain. Not only are most krewes secretive and difficult to join (need to know someone kind of thing) but the fees are high. After all, these parades aren’t cheap. This secretiveness is furthered by the fact that most krewes require their riders to wear masks while on the floats. Meaning you might know someone on a particular float in a parade, but not be able to tell them apart.

Finally, most krewes elect kings and queens to head up the parade for the year. These are, with most krewes, elected members from within the organization. Some also elect grand marshals and these tend to be either well-known celebeities (with the larger krewes) or local figures (with the smaller ones).

Beyond that, the parades are pretty simple, with floats, marching bands and other oddities. However, what separates a carnival parade from most other parades you’ll go to is one word: Throws. Beads, dubloons, spears, coconuts and more are tossed with reckless abandon to the waiting crowd, which vies to get the most and the best each parade has to offer.

Which Parades to Go To

With so many parades, even if you live in the city, have no job and no social life, you can’t see them all in one year. Many directly overlap in starting times, just taking place along different routes.

You have to make decisions about which parades to attend and it isn’t easy, especially for someone new to Mardi Gras.

Typically though, there are two strategies:

The Uptown Strategy: Most of the “major” parades happen along the uptown route and the route is very busy during carnival season. During the entire week before Fat Tuesday, the uptown route hosts multiple parades. Tourists and some locals, wanting to catch a Zulu coconut or see the Rex parade, stick to this route almost exclusively. The drawback however is that the route is very crowded, finding a good spot is almost impossible if you don’t arrive very early and once you are on the parade route, it is hard to leave. If you wish to go to the French Quarter or even home, you’ll likely find it hard to go anywhere else.
The Regional Strategy: Of course, uptown is far from the only parade route. Metairie, West Bank and Slidell all have very active parade schedules, especially during the middle and beginning parts of the season. These routes are usually much less crowded, many even bring lawn chairs, and the parades are usually still very good. Also, though there aren’t as many famous throws (no Zulu conconuts), beads and dubloons are still plentiful. During one running of Cleopatra, Crystal and I caught 85 lb of beads, which we donated to nursing homes across the state.

For the most part, I think you get a better parade experience hitting up the regional parades and steering clear of the uptown parade route, especially as it gets closer to Fat Tuesday. However, if you’re a tourist that wants to see the big parades, you pretty much have to go uptown, just be sure to get there early and study the parade route to make sure you don’t trap yourself.

Attending the Parade

Everyone has their own system for picking a good parade spot. If you’re attending one that is not on the uptown route or is earlier in the season, this isn’t as important, but it is still a good idea to check a few things before you set up camp.

First, make sure there’s nothing over head that would tangle up throws. No balconies, no trees, no powerlines, etc. This makes sure that riders on the top row can throw to you easily.

Second, riders tend to be more conservative with their throws at the beginning of the route, picking a spot nearing the middle you can likely catch them as they try to unload before they have to take it home themselves. I even know some that actually intercept the floats after they park to get the leftovers.

Finally, I tend to favor spots along curves (the spot along Cleopatra was in a curve). Floats have to slow down for these as they do not turn easily. Thus, if you’re along a curve, especially the inside, you get a bit more “face time” with the riders and other parade goers seem to skip on these spots for reasons unclear to me.

Once you’ve picked your spot, you have to learn the art of getting rider’s attention. It’s actually pretty easy. Though tradition and a million different TV specials tell you to yell “Throw me something mister!” that is typically only uttered by drunk women about to be carried either to the hotel or a jail cell.

No, you’re better off screaming “Over Here!” and waving your arms frantically. Or, you can just look odd and out of place. Wear a strange shirt, if it’s a night parade bring something that glows in the dark, bring a silly hat or an obnoxious sign (so long as you don’t block the view of others.

If you stand out, you get throws. It’s that simple. Of course, if you’re the only people around for a few dozen feet, you’ll find yourself literally dodging the beads.

On that note, it is important to make eye contact with the riders and watch for the throws. The laws of physics do not favor your skull when it has beads hurled at them. Remember, riders will not be throwing beads just one at a time, I’ve “caught” a 144 bag of beads once before (and by caught I mean it nearly broke my wrists and landed on the ground in front of me).

Finally, for the love of Mardi Gras, don’t flash. The parades are the family friendly portion of Mardi Gras, especially the day ones. Flashing may be acceptable in the French Quarter but good parents bring their kids to the parades. Let’s keep it somewhat clean.

Random Tips

Here’s some quick random advice that didn’t fit in any of the above categories:

Riding a Float: If you’re desperate to ride a float and aren’t a part of a krewe, most krewes, especially since Katrina, accept “guest” riders. These riders pay a very large amount and have to purchase a huge amount of beads. Some krewes will cost guest riders well over $1000 for the privilege to ride. However, if this idea is just now dawning on you, best to wait until 2010. Most guest rider deals are done months before now.
Mardi Gras World: If you want to see the floats but either aren’t in town during Carnival season or don’t want the hassle of the parades, visit Mardi Gras World (Warning: Music). Blaine Kern and his production team make many of the floats for the major krewes and offer tours of their facilities most days. You can visit their current location on the west bank by hopping onto the Algiers/Canal St. Ferry but keep in mind that the tour facility is moving in a month to a new location on the east bank side of the river.
Krewe Du Vieux: If you’re in town early during Carnival, you need to catch the Krewe du Vieux (KdV). They are both the most traditional and least traditional of all the season’s parades. Most traditional in that they roll through the French Quarter, use only mule-drawn floats, have very scarce throws (I never get more than a pocketful) and focus more on personal interaction with the crowd. They are the least traditional in that they are a parody parade, created to lampoon the other krewes as well as New Orleans/Louisiana politics. The KdV is a favorite among locals but bear in mind that this is NOT a kid-friendly parade, with raunchy themes, sexually explicit floats and some vulgar costumes. They shock, they offend, they pock fun and they have a good time. It’s that simple.

Conclusions

For the most part, the parades are a great way to have a family-friendly time during Mardi Gras. It’s a great activity for adults and children alike and an essential part of the holiday that everyone can take part in. Best of all, it’s the easiest way to go home with a trunk full of beads and throws.

Just remember to keep your head about you, be safe and have fun. Follow all the basic rules of safety in a crowd, don’t cross any guardrails and listen to the nice police officers.

Everyone’s here to have a good time, let’s not lose sight of that.

Mardi Gras Monday: Bourbon Balconies

Jonathan — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 19:46:55 +0000

photo credit: Lyndi&Jason

Note: This is the first in a series of weekly columns about Mardi Gras. Between now and Lundi Gras, we’ll be covering some of the basics of Mardi Gras, including tips, tricks and suggestions from a local on how to survive Carnival in New Orleans. I’m trying to keep this series as family friendly and as broad as possible, since many people come to Mardi Gras for many different reasons, I want this to serve everyone’s needs.

There are a lot of “B” words that come to mind when one things of Bourbon St. Beads, beer, breasts, bars and booze name just a few. However, “balcony” is the only one that is part of the Bourbon St. architecture.

As you walk up and down the street, balconies literally line the road on both sides, as they do with much of the French Quarter. Apartments have them, bars have them, stores have them, hotels have them and nearly every establishment on the street has at least one.

During Mardi Gras time, these balconies become centers of activity. Revelers, not wanting to be in the crowd below, fill them to capacity. They participate by throwing beads and watching the party below. It comes with an air of exclusivity and it’s a chance to drink and have fun without being jostled by the crowd below.

But is it worth it and how does one get the most out of their balcony experience? The answers are below.

Why Balconies Suck

The first rule of balconies is simple: Don’t get a balcony.

First off, balconies are expensive. Getting one for the whole day can run thousands of dollars depending on the size and quality. Furthermore, if you haven’t booked your balcony by now, you’re probably out of luck for the 2009 Mardi Gras. You might have a slot open for 2010 though.

Second, no matter what you’re into on Mardi Gras, be it skin, costumes, drinking or general partying, you can do it all better and more cheaply on the street. Bourbon Street’s reputation for grossness is heavily overstated (especially since Katrina when a new cleaning contract started) and Mardi Gras is a more interesting experience on the street. Search the Web for Mardi Gras photos taken from balconies vs. the ground, you’ll see quickly which are more interesting.

Third, you’re stuck in one place. If the area directly underneath your balcony isn’t very active, you can’t pick up and move to where there is something going on. Makes that down payment on the balcony seem even more expensive.

Finally, if you have some kind of issue with being in a crowd that makes you want to get a balcony, you’re probably better off skipping Mardi Gras. Even with a balcony, you’re going to have to move through the crowd at some point. After all, every single neighboring street is packed too and Canal St, the edge of the French Quarter, is a major parade route.

In short, other than the ability to stand over the crowd and look/feel superior, balconies don’t have a lot to offer. That is, if you’re at Mardi Gras to have fun.

Choosing a Balcony

If you’re ignoring the first rule of balconies, the least that you can do is book your balcony well. As I said, balconies for 2009 have, almost certainly, been snatched up and the few that remain are probably either A) In terrible locations B) Overpriced or C) Both.

The good news is that there are several balconies that do rent hourly on Bourbon St. and they may still have slots available. Those slots will be pricey for what you get, and there’s a good chance you’ll be paired up with strangers, but it lets you get a taste of the balcony experience without having to spend your whole day there. You can find those by roaming the streets in advance and looking for signs.

Also, there are likely still openings for Lundi Gras (the Monday before) and the weekend before Fat Tuesday. Typically, the Mardi Gras atmosphere on Bourbon begins the Friday before and goes nonstop through Fat Tuesday. You can book on any of those days and get a good feel for the experience.

The second rule of renting a balcony is to never rent a third-story one. Not only will you definitely not be able to see thing, but throwing beads down from or up to is almost impossible without serious injury. You might not think a bead can hurt you, but when it’s dropped from 35 ft. or thrown at your face like a baseball, you learn otherwise.

Location is important but pretty simple. The “Gay District” of Bourbon St. starts at about St. Ann St. If you’re wanting to be in the traditionally “gay” area, anything from St. Ann on toward Esplanade will work well. If you want to be in the “straight” area, you go the other way, from St. Ann toward Canal, the best blocks being between Conti and St. Peter.

Though the lines between the gay and straight sections of Bourbon St. are heavily blurred during Carnival, especially toward Mardi Gras, most still prefer to get balconies in the areas that fit their own tastes.

Finally, before you rent, take a look at the balcony itself. Is it close to the street? Are there larger balconies nearby? How noticeable is it? If you don’t easily see the balcony when you’re walking down the street, then not many are going to see it when you’re on it. If you’re not wanting public attention, this is a good thing, but if you’re wanting to interact with the crowd, you need to be careful with this.

Typically speaking. the Holiday Inn and Royal Sonesta on Bourbon St. both have great balconies as far as hotels go and many bars and clubs do as well, in particular Bourbon St. Blues Co. and The Cat’s Meow.

Preparing

Once you’ve booked your balcony, you need to prepare for it. Once again, if you don’t care whether anyone notices you, you don’t have to do anything, but if you wish to encourage crowd interactions, you need to plan ahead.

First, get some decorations for your balcony. In that regard, hand-painted banners, streamers, flags, etc. are very common. Just make sure they fit the atmosphere.

Second, the best decoration by far is beads. Even if you don’t plan on throwing many, hanging large beads from your balcony is a sure-fire way to get people’s attention. Though I’ll talk more about these in another post, suffice to say that, if you’re on a balcony, you should invest in a few really visible beads to hang from the railing and many smaller ones to throw out to the crowd.

Finally, it helps to have a gimmick. Though some bring bullhorns, those seem to annoy partygoers and drive them away. Besides, do you want to listen to that on the balcony for eight hours straight? The key is to find something that is not annoying or harmful (this eliminates Airzookas, glitter, water pistols, etc.) Bubble machines are always a hit as are small non-bead giveaways. Be creative.

Running the Balcony

If you’ve prepared correctly, the balcony should almost run itself. You should have no trouble getting people’s attention and you should have everything you need for whatever you wan to do.

Still, it is important to remember that, when talking to people on the ground, you need to be as specific as possible. Saying “You with the brown hair!” will get about 25 people looking at you. Instead, be specific. Say “Green mask!” or “Red shirt”. The more specific you are, the more likely you are to get the attention of whoever you want.

Also, no matter what you plan on doing, keep a good supply of cheap throws beads you can give away for free. Not only is it a custom but you’ll find that many people will linger under your balcony until you give them something. Throw them a few cheap throws and they’ll usually move on their way, freeing up the space for others.

Bottom Line

Personally, I don’t like balconies. They’re great on non-Mardi Gras days when you want to sit around and have a few quiet drinks with friends in the open air. But during Carnival season and especially at Mardi Gras, it is a very different beast.

I don’t see much to be gained from getting a balcony and, especially given the price, would much rather be on the street. In general, it is the best way to see the sights and sounds of Mardi Gras.

But if you’re going to do it, do it right. Balconies do play a major role in the experience for those on the ground and good balconies do make Mardi Gras better for everyone.

So deal balcony dwellers, I salute you.

Haunt Review: The Mortuary

Jonathan — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 19:32:15 +0000

The Mortuary is the anti-thesis to the previously-reviewed Camber of Horrors. Where the CoH is a low-budget, high-heart affair, The Mortuary is a high-budget, low-heart one.

You can tell from the second you drive by the two-story buildings with its large columns and lighted facade that you entering into a haunt that has spent a great deal of money on their setup. As you tour through their winding corridors and narrow hallways, that belief is reaffirmed with their high-end animatronics and decorations.

This haunt cost a lot of money and it shows. However, money can not buy a great haunted house experience, only the toys to build it with. The question for The Mortuary isn’t whether they have neat stuff, but what they did with it.

It’s a tough question with a rather complicated answer.

Some Opening Caveats

I have to start out this review with a pair of caveats. I went to The Mortuary on November 8, the final day it was to be open for the 2008 season. This changed the experience in two important ways.

First, it means that the actors are tired and drained from a long season, thus, I have to give them a bit of a break. Second, it was a “flashlight” night, where the only light was from fingerlights worn by the patrons, thus making it easier to scare and longer to walk through.

However, it also means that I was unable to get as close of a look at many of the parts that I wanted, so I have to score this review based upon the experience that I had and what I did see.

As you read through the rest of this review, keep those things in mind.

What It Is

The Mortuary is something of a controversial haunt in the city. Housed in an actual mortuary, complete with its own graveyard, the building itself is supposedly haunted by real ghosts (though I suspect any ghosts would have long since been annoyed into leaving early in the season).

The haunt has been protested by many in its area and, supposedly, has a tenuous relationship with the city itself. Much of this is rumor, but it fits what I know about New Orleans.

The haunt is a small-group free-roam haunt, at least on the night we went, but it supposedly does use the conga-line style on busier nights. The cost of going through the haunt is $20, slightly over the $18 that most people pay for House of Shock and it takes about 12 minutes to go through, at least on flashlight night.

Beyond its history and backround it is a fairly straightforward attraction sending customers roaming from scene to scene with actors scaring customer and modest use of props and animatronics.

The Good

For the most part, the haunt itself looks great. Starting in waiting area fit for Home and Gardens magazine and then winding through a series of scenes that range from pirates to mummies to crazed doctors.

The props are great, the scenes are well designed and the attention to detail throughout is great. Though there are a few places that seemed oddly bare, the actual sections of the haunt were built masterfully and there was lots to look at and do.

The haunt itself was very atmospheric and only broke its illusion a few times in the walkthrough. Though there were still a few places I could see behind the scenes without trying, obvious mistakes were kept to a minimum and, overall, it was disorienting and creepy.

All in all, though it was a short walkthrough, it felt like a lot longer and made for an overall satisfying experience.

What Didn’t Work

Though the haunt itself was, overall, fairly solid, there was a lot in the execution I found fault in.

First, the wait in line to go in the haunt was excruciating. Though we were there on a relatively slow night by all accounts, we waited over 40 minutes to go in. Though they sell VIP passes that let you skip the line for ten dollars more, the tactic, to me, seems to be both greedy and disrespectful to paying customers that purchased regular tickets.

Second, the $30 VIP ticket price seemed especially egregious when the $20 price tag for regular tickets still felt like too much. Though they have the right to charge more than CoH, it is not worth twice the amount. When consider that House of Shock is less money (with coupon) and comes with a stage show, side show and a longer walkthrough, it seems like an outright rip off.

However, the walkthrough might have been longer if it hadn’t been for the fact that the actors in the haunt were constantly trying to rush the crowds through. After spending $20 and waiting in line for nearly an hour, you were hurried through the haunt, yelled at if you stopped to look at anything for longer than a second. In part because of this, large parts of the haunt are still a blur.

But the actors and staff seemed to be the weakest link. Though I have to cut them a large break since it was their last night at the end of a long season, it definitely seemed as if they were both short staffed and as if the ones that were there were just phoning it in. A few actors did great jobs, but many simply did nothing other than stand there, and it seemed security outnumbered costumed actors.

Once again, perhaps different on another night, but it really hurt the experience when I went through.

Bottom Line

There is a lot to like about this haunt. The attention to detail is great and the haunt itself does a good job with atmosphere and general spookiness. However, insanely-long wait times and queue-jumping VIPs are a prelude to a rushed and, all in all, unmemorable haunt.

A few points do stick out in my mind, such as the beautiful seductresses in the chain link fence room and the weak chainsaw scare at the end but most of it blurs together quickly.

All in all, his is another haunt trying to be the House of Shock but with a higher price tag, shorter walkthrough and weaker actors. It’s a good haunt, but not $20 and 40-minute wait good.

If you’re into the ultra-high-end haunts with big budget props, go to either the House of Shock or head to Baton Rouge and the 13th Gate. It you like lower-budget haunts with lots of heart, head to the CoH.

There are simply better deals for your haunt time and money to be found.

Rating

7/10

Note: I am loathe to do ratings on reviews in general because it can be impossible sum up a complex series of opinions in a number. This is especially true with haunted attractions as your enjoyment of the haunt will depend almost exclusively on what it is you seek. Your mileage will always vary.

Location

The Mortuary is located at 4200 Canal Blvd. near North Clairborne Ave.

Cone of Stupidity

Jonathan — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 19:52:20 +0000

If you live in New Orleans or any place else along a cost potentially impacted by tropical storms, you need no definition for what the forecasters call the “Cone of Uncertainty”.

For those who have never had the good fortune of a rushed evacuation from the latest “Mother of All Storms” allow me to take a moment and explain.

When a hurricane or other tropical storm is out in the ocean, the nice people at the National Hurricane Center do their best to try and predict where it is going to go. They use all kinds of computer models, forecasts, voodoo magic and dart throwing to come up with a forecasted track, meaning line.

They try to predict where the storm will be in roughly five days and make the best guess they can. However, they admit they aren’t very good at this and that nature has a way of making them look like idiots. So, they hedge their best some and create what they call a “Cone of Uncertainty” that goes out from either side of the track.

Since they are pretty good at the 12-24 hour range, the cone starts off very narrow but, by day 5, grows to approximately 350 miles on either side, meaning 700 miles across.

Now, that really isn’t that bad. If you’re within 350 miles of a big hurricane, you’re going to feel it. So anyone within the cone should be paying really close attention. At worst, the storm could make it personal and hit them directly, at best they’ll need to reschedule their boat race and bar-b-que.

Useful it may be at times, I’ve undertaken the decision to, in my household, rename this aforementioned cone the “Cone of Stupidity”. Why? I’ll explain.

Cone of Cluelessness

The problem with the Cone of Stupidity is that, for most storms, it is completely meaningless. The 700-mile swath at day five is wide enough to easily engulf everything from Panama City, FL to Houston, TX, but it is is still wrong a high percentage of the time.

Take Hurricane Ike for example. When Ike was in the ocean, and many New Orleanians were in hiding, it was supposed to follow Hanna up the eastern coast. That didn’t happen.

Then it was supposed to go up the western side of Florida, eventually landing in the panhandle. That didn’t happen.

Then it was supposed to hit New Orleans or just a bit west, similar to Gustav. That didn’t happen.

Then, suddenly, the track made a jump. Ike was to take a hard turn and land at the Texas/Mexico border. That didn’t happen either.

Finally, they settled on the track of Ike hitting right around Galveston, which is pretty much how it went down. By that point, the storm was less than 72 hours out.

By the time Ike’s reign of terror over the Gulf of Mexico was over, literally every coastal town was in the Cone of Stupidity for at least one moment. That is everything from Key West, FL to Brownsville, TX. That’s a whopping 1700 mile drive.

The question becomes, what good does this do? It resulted in the the keys being evacuated so they weren’t inconvenienced with a windy day. Gustav evacuees didn’t come home after the storm had passed. And Galveston still only had a two days of mandatory evacuation time.

Great work guys.

The end result is that millions were spooked needlessly and those who needed to get out didn’t have enough time to do so. The Cone of Stupidity hurt far more people than it helped and the National Hurricane Center (NHC) was powerless to do anything about it.

Sympathy for the Devil

Some might take all of this as me bashing the NHC, but that is not my goal. They do the best job they can. It isn’t their fault nature is less predictable than my ex-girlfriends even their best guesses and computer models can’t predict her next move.

The only people I hold accountable when they can’t predict a hurricane are those that claim to speak for God. Us mortals do the best we can, but we can’t crack mother nature’s code.

That being said, the NHC does sometimes get it right. They were dead on with Gustav at five days out (though they were very wrong about the intensity, something they admit to not being good at). However, with Gustav, they were aided by clear steering currents and a stable weather picture. With Ike, they were effectively on their own.

However, if you read the NHCs discussions, you can get a feeling for their level of certainty. Those of us who read the reports, listened to weathermen and followed the situation closely knew the NHC was just guessing.

However, it is kind of a sad day when you’re getting better information about a hurricane track from your TV Weather Guy than your own government. But that’s a story for another day.

The problem is that the NHC feels the need to make these neat images every 6 hours that show the Cone of Stupidity. They want to make it easy to understand and don’t give themselves the wiggle room they need to admit when they don’t know.

Though I agree it is better to scare people needlessly than to not warm them adequately, the current system manages to do both.

The NHC needs to make a change in the way it reports potential tracks. That is, until they get better at making them.

Fixing The Problem

The solution is simple. The NHC should not feel the need to dumb down the information it gets. It should not feel forced to predict out further than it has good information.

If patterns are stable and they know where the storm is going, they should have a narrow cone. If they don’t have any bloody clue, they should say so.

Furthermore, why aren’t they allowed to talk about difference scenarios and, instead, focus on the one that they see as most likely. Weathermen talk about scenarios constantly. Why doesn’t the NHC?

Also, why don’t the talk more about the models and present that information? Though they are wildly in accurate, they usually indicate a few possible tracks and their own path is usually based in large part upon them.

No, the NHC is content on presenting one track, with a bright line and a neat cone and then jerking that cone around for every little shift. Like a maniac threatening a crowd with a gun, they point the bullet at everyone until half the nation is ducking for cover.

But even if they feel the need to run with this “one track” system, there is no reason to force the Cone of Stupidity to be 700 miles wide at day five. It may need to be much larger if there is a lot of uncertainty or much smaller if they feel comfortable they have it.

The NHC has been restrained to the point that its Cone of Stupidity is almost meaningless and those of us that have to watch it would rather listen to our local weathermen than the advice of the Federal agency dedicated to tracking this stuff.

Conclusions

Having worked for the Federal government, I know well how stupid these regulations can be. I feel very bad for the good people at the NHC as I am sure they are even more frustrated than I.

Still, the agency that is literally responsible for predicting some of the worst of nature’s fury cannot be bound by artificial rules. The NHC needs to be honest with us and it needs to be able to present the information to us in a clear, accurate manner.

Sadly, I don’t see that happening and, even as this hurricane season seems to be winding down, I’m already sweating for the next one.

However, much of that is due to the fact that, at the helm, will be a hamstrung NHC and their completely asinine Cone of Stupidity.