photo credit: Justin Marty

When it comes to where I take my business, I’m a pretty picky customer. I demand a lot of the places I shop, especially the ones I’m going to get into my car and drive to.

First, there are the obvious criteria for where I shop. The store has to be reasonably close, has to have what I need/want, be friendly and has to have reasonable prices. But then there are the less-obvious reasons, reasons that it appears many shop owners and managers forget in their bustle to keep the ship sailing forward.

So, as a public service to those stores I haven’t seen in a while, here are my top five less-common reasons I don’t visit your business.

5. Your Parking Lot Sucks

Most stores seem to focus on making sure they have adequate parking, not whether their lots are any good. In a bid to squeeze every space out of a precious piece of asphalt real estate, so many parking lots have been turned into unintelligible death traps where accidents and near-misses are daily events.

Take a moment to ask yourself a few questions: Can I get into and out of your lot without being killed? Are your spaces actually wide enough for a car to get in, park, open their door and get out comfortably? Are the lanes wide enough for two cars to pass easily? Are one-way aisles clearly marked? Do you know what a stop sign is and are they where they need to be?

There are at least two pharmacies and three big-box retailers I almost never visit because their parking lots are accidents waiting to happen. When I do, I park far away and walk.

4. You Don’t Enforce Your Own Rules

If I go to your store for a few items, am I going to be behind some woman with three buggies in the express line and is she not going to be asked to leave? Are you going to have me sign up for a membership card to get discounts but then have the cashier swipe their card for everyone else?

Every store has rules, most of which are just common sense. But if you don’t enforce your rules you only punish those who actually follow them. I won’t tolerate that. If your staff isn’t going to stand up to customers who break your policies, I’ll find a place that will. It’s that simple.

3. Your Store is a Dump

I’m not a neat freak by any stretch of the imagination (ever seen my office?) but if a store has headache-inducing lighting, cramped aisles and/or always looks like a tornado hit it, I’m only going to visit under the threat of bodily harm.

I’ve often hypothesized that this is one of the key reasons for the fall of KMart because every one I have visited looks like a scene from a space science fiction movie after the aliens attack the ship.

If I don’t want to be there I’m not going to want to spend any money there. I can overlook messes due to customers and stocking, but a mess caused by lack of a chain or an owner not caring about their store is not acceptable.

2. You Screw Up Your Prices

When it comes to pricing, I don’t like surprises. I like to know exactly how much an item is when I pick it up and I expect that price to not change when I get to the register.

I don’t really care if the surprise at the register is my fault or the store’s. Pricing should be clear and accurate so there is no room for these mistakes. If you routinely don’t have pricing or your items or the prices printed seem to change when I get to the front, I’m not going to stop by often, if at all.

I likely won’t argue over or even mention a few dollars difference to a cashier, but if the problems form a pattern, I stop coming altogether.

1. The Clientele

Who shops at your store? Are they the type of people I’d invite to my home, take out for a drink or otherwise want to spend time with? If not, why would I go there to spend money?

I understand that a public business can’t control who walks in their door, but if it seems that your store is populated with rude, inconsiderate people, I’m not going to look forward to paying a visit. I’m sure there’s a market in advertising to the moron crowd, but you’ll have to compete with Wal-Mart and they seem to have a good lock on that group.

This makes sense, I’m going to go to places where people are nice, but most people in a store aren’t employees (if it’s going to stay in business long), but are other customers. You can train your employees to be nice, but you can’t train your customers. You can only enforce your rules (see above).

Bottom Line

I’m the first to admit that my business probably isn’t worth a lot, even to some of the smaller shops I visit. That being said, I’m more than willing to stick to my principles and only go to shops that, I feel, treat me well.

I’m not saying that these are absolute rules. I occasionally do go to stores with bad parking lots, rude customers, etc. but I avoid them whenever possible. This isn’t a boycott, but me trying to get the best shopping experience I can.

The strange thing is, if I seem a bit picky, is that I have little trouble actually finding places to go. There are plenty of stores and even if only a small percent meet my criteria in any way, that’s still a lot of choices.

The problem is that you have to go through a lot of bad experiences to find the places you don’t want to be. If you can get past that, you have some happy times ahead.

photo credit: Jayel Aheram

I’m not a beer drinker. When it comes to my very limited alcohol consumption I’m definitely more of a wine/daiquiri/mixed drink kind of guy. A good bottle of red wine or a jack and coke is more up my alley than pretty much any beer.

However, economic times are tough. We don’t have the income we did a year ago so we’re looking to cut back on our expenses. One of the easiest for us is drinking. Though we love our daiquiris, $20 for two larges (with tip) makes little sense when a six pack of even high-end foreign beer is less than half the price.

So we set out to find a beer that we could enjoy. We had the good fortune to do some overseas traveling in the past year and learned that we liked some foreign beers but the ones we truly enjoyed, such as Duvel beer, were not widely available in the U.S. The goal was to find a beer we could locate easily and enjoy on a whim.

World Market came to our rescue. Their “Make your own six pack” feature let us literally build a six pack of beer from six different countries at an affordable price. So we decided to try and then do a review of it. Here are the results.

The Competitors

There were six beers in the original six pack and we added one at the request of a friend. The beers and their countries are as follow: Beck’s (Germany), Foster’s (Australia), Asahi (Japan), Newcastle Brown Ale (UK), Moosehead (Canada), Pilsner Urquell (Czech Republic) and Heineken Dark Lager (Netherlands).

There are three caveats with this list. First, though all of the beers are from the countries listed, not all of the beers are actual imports. Some are brewed in the U.S., Canada or other countries. In some cases import/export laws seem to make getting the import difficult so I had to work with what I had.

Second, there is a mix of beers, lagers and ales in the list. I know that isn’t a perfect apples-to-apples comparison because there are real differences but since they all sit on the same shelf of most stores, they go head to head in this competition.

Finally, this list is based almost completely on availability and whether they were new to us, not recommendations. Only Beck’s is on the list due to a recommendation and it is still the most widely available beer from Germany locally. So it still seemed worthy of inclusion.

As for the competition itself, the rules were simple. We, my wife and I, tried each beer. Whoever took the first sip though had to finish the bottle, no matter how bad. We jotted down some notes and waited a while before trying the next. Every beer had roughly the same refrigeration time and was consumed in roughly the same way.

With that being said, here are our thoughts, in order of how we rated them:

1. Asahi

Asahi was the surprise of the contest for me. Asahi was very smooth and easy to drink, even from the first sip. There was never a hint of bitterness or skunkiness. It was a very easy beer to swallow. I could see myself having one with dinner and continuing to sip on Asahis through the evening. It is a surprisingly strong beer in terms of alcohol content, well over 5%, but you’d never know it by taste.

This is truly a great beer for people that don’t like the taste of most beers or just want something they can sip without any problems.

2. Heineken Dark Lager

Regular Heineken is one of the cruelest jokes in all of beerdom. Crystal and I spent a week in the Netherlands and tried a glass of Heineken on tap. It was easily the best beer experience we had ever had. We came back to the states, thrilled with our discovery, picked up a six pack of bottles and could not believe how terrible it was. My Dutch friends think my optimism was hilarious and openly joke about the garbage they send to the U.S. This, despite the fact it is a truly imported beer.

The dark lager, however, was much better. It was very robust and thick, like a lager should be, but it didn’t have any of the acidic taste that most beers seem to have. The alcohol taste came through a bit more than with Asahi, but it was still a very pleasant experience over all. I could easily see drinking it if I were in the mood for something with a stronger flavor than Asahi and only wanted a few beers in a night.

3. Beck’s

Beck’s says right on the six pack that it is the most popular imported beer from Germany in the U.S. This makes me instantly question U.S. taste in beer. It’s not that Beck’s is bad, but that there are so many great German beers this one seems kind of ho-hum.

The beer isn’t as acidic or as skunky as other beers but didn’t have a lot of flavor either. It really seemed to run a fine line between repulsing me and making making me want more. It was the only beer in the test that we bought a full six pack of (the rest was in the mixed pack) and I was able to finish off the six pack over about a week’s time without suffering or complaining. Still, there are other beers I would much rather drink.

4. Pilsner Urquell

I really didn’t know what to expect with a Czech beer. It’s not exactly a country that is well-known for its beer and its not a country we had sampled from previously. Pilsner Urquell, however, a beer that beer-lovers seem to really enjoy, getting high reviews on Beer Advocate. For me though, the beer didn’t work nearly as well.

It wasn’t that it was a bad beer, though its initials quite humorously spell PU, it tasted like a much stronger beer than it was and seemed to have a stronger skunk flavor than the above beers and was more difficult to drink. The bottle was difficult to get down and, though it started off being “not too bad” it ended up being quite difficult toward the end. Where most beers on the list became more tolerable toward end of the bottle, this one somehow grew more stale and less drinkable. By the end, it was a real effort to finish the bottle.

5. Moosehead

When it came to Canadian beers, I choose poorly. Moosehead may be “proudly independent” but that’s likely only because no one wants to buy it. This was one of the few countries where I had multiple beers to choose from and it is my greatest regret.

Moosehead was a very skunky beer. It didn’t have much flavor either but somehow managed to pull down a strong aftertaste after every sip. It was a bottle that got somewhat better toward the bottom, but I mostly kept drinking to keep washing the aftertaste out of my mouth. The bottle was not enjoyable at all and the greatest accomplishment of this beer was not making either of us outright gag.

6. Newcastle Brown Ale

In June of last year I went to Newcastle, Uk, the home Newcastle Brown Ale. I spent a week there and never once did I see a local drink this ale. Not once. Myself, the locals and other conference goers stuck to other European bears, Stella Artois being the favorite at the hotel bar.

A quick fact about Newcastle Brown Ale is that the bridge depicted on the can/bottle is a bridge over the River Tyne in the city itself. What is less known, but became apparent after drinking the bottle, is that the ale tastes exactly like the bridge itself.

Newcastle Ale was a very dark, heavy and think beer with a very strong skunk flavor and a very bold, albeit disgusting, beer taste to it. It may be a fine ale for people that REALLY love beer, but for those that never developed a taste for it and just want a casual drink, it is anything but. For those that love beer, this is a fifth degree difficulty drink, for those that don’t love beer, it’s the fifth circle of Hell.

7. Foster’s

A friend of mine once quipped that Foster’s is Australian for Kangaroo Pee. If that’s the case, then I feel bad for the kanagroos as I have to wonder what horrible items they’ve been eating to make their pee taste that bad.

It isn’t just that Foster’s is bad. It’s the kind of bad that you compare unsuccessfully to other horrible events in your life. For example, I could see myself saying “Gee, having pancreatitis sucks, but it’s not nearly as bad as that bottle of Foster’s I was forced to drink thinks to a stupid idea for a column on my personal blog.”

Foster’s is like an acid wash going down your throat. It is overloaded with skunk flavor mixed with a bitter taste and an aftertaste that makes you want to wash your mouth out with rusty nails. Worse still, it’s a beer that gets worse with every sip down.

My hope is that Foster’s is a bit like Heineken, really good in Australia but disgusting in the U.S. Either that or, once again, the poor U.S. taste in beer has shown through and there are better beers to be found in the land down under. I would hate to think that this is the best the Aussies have to offer us.

This beer actually made me miss trying American beer.

Bottom Line

I’m in a real pickle right now. I like Asahi and, to a lesser degree, the Heineken Dark Lager, but neither are exactly beers that I would want to make my default. They’re both great special occasion beers, drinks that fit certain occasions.

We’ve continued the search for the time being with some mixed success. We’re going off of friend and family suggestions while also just taking a few stabs in the dark.

We’ll keep the hunt going and, in the meantime, I’ll probably enjoy an occasional bottle of Asahi…

First, it supposedly features a (relatively) new, ultra-advanced 3D technology that works better than the old red/blue glasses kind. Second, it is the first slasher film to make it into the theaters in some time (even if it is a remake).

Sure, we’ve had our dose of thrillers, chillers and torture porn, but we’ve lacked a good old fashioned slasher and the latest releases of the major slasher franchises have only reminded us how low the genre can go.

So how was the movie? Well, I’m going to break it apart into its two elements and discuss them individually before I try and bring it all together. Hopefully, by the end of it all, we’ll have some idea where the movie stands and whether anyone else should bother seeing it.

The 3D Effect

The Real D technology that My Bloody Valentine 3D used has actually been used on a bunch of other films before. According to Wikipedia, which also has a write up on how it works, Chicken Little was the first movie to use it. If you haven’t heard of or seen a Real D movie, it’s probably because you’re over the age of 12. All of the movies to this point were either animated kid-friendly movies or concert films. My Bloody Valentine 3D was the first R-rated film to use the technology and I would argue the first “serious” movie to try it out and the first to have a large number of 3D theaters to see it in (most have had only a limited 3D release).

My first gripe was with finding a theater close by to see the 3D version. Though every theater was playing the film, none in the New Orleans area seemed to have the 3D version available. Instead, my wife and I had to make the forty-minute drive to Slidell to see it through the 3D glasses.

Regarding the glasses themselves, as I said earlier, they don’t use the standard red/blue lenses. Instead, they look a lot like very lightly tinted, highly unfashionable glasses. If you put them on during the daylight, they make things a little bit darker, but you can still see clearly. However, do read the packaging, it does warn you that they are not meant to be used as sunglasses (not that anyone would want to be seen in public wearing these things).

That being said, the technology was actually very impressive at times. Though we may have sat a little bit too close to the screen (we were about eight rows back), we got the effect nicely and the movie, for the most part, made great use of it. Lots of pickaxes, shotguns and treelimbs protruding from the screen as well as blood spatter, jawbones and other things flying at the audience. The effect wasn’t flawless, but it wasn’t bad either.

The problem with the effect is that they had to use it throughout the entire movie. This meant every scene was 3D to some degree, even when actors were just standing around talking. While that isn’t terrible and does add some depth to those scenes, if your eyes wondered of the focus point of the scene, the screen was blurry. You are almost forced to focus on the center of attention the entire movie or risk getting serious headaches.

In the end, though the effect wasn’t as solid as the ones you’ll see at the 3D cinemas in Disney World, which are simply unreal, it was pretty good and, at times, very convincing.

The Movie

Slashers have to be graded on a different curve than other films. They don’t win Oscars, they inspire people to do great things (let’s hope not at least) and they don’t make people think. Like slapstick comedies, kung-fu movies and action flicks, they’re goal is to keep you entertained for the length of the movie and let you free into the wild.

If we use that scale, MBV3D did a tolerable job. Everything about the film was mediocre, if not outright generic.

The film centers around a small mining community that, ten years ago, was the scene of a vicious murder spree following a mine collapse. Fast forward to the modern day, the killer appears to have returned (magically I suppose) and, coincidentally, one of the people that escaped the first rampage has returned to sell the very mine that started it all.

Yes, the plot is pretty stupid, but it’s par for the course on slasher films. It made sense, gave us a reason to have all of these characters together and… that was about it. The acting, likewise, was only lukewarm. No performances stood out though no one really stunk up the screen either. Once again, par for the course in slasher films, if not a bit ahead of other recent stabs at the genre.

The movie was sufficiently violent and gory but nothing really stood out. It had all of the elements of a standard slasher flick, murderer on a rampage, lots of blame, some creative deaths, a gratuitous nude scene (I’ve never understood this desire to mix softcore pornography with ultra-violence) and tons of blood.

The greatest accomplishment of the flick was avoiding some of the more laughable cliches in the genre. It breaks some of the “Scream” rules but yet manages to keep it generic enough so that you won’t feel out of place watching it.

It’s biggest problem though, is the one it brings on itself. The writers decided that they wanted it to be a bit of a “whodunnit” film too, something that has been a part of a few other slashers with mixed success. Unfortunately, MBV3D pulls it off with all of the grace and elegance of a Ford Pinto crashing through an orphanage while on fire.

If you don’t predict the ending of this movie it is either because A) You’re a moron or B) You did predict it but discarded the correct answer thinking that answer was too obvious.

In short, the movie is a stock slasher film and nothing more. At its best it is a little above average and, at its worse, it’s a little below. Compared to other recent movies like Black Christmas, it’s a good film, but it isn’t going to take a place among the classics.

Bringing Them Together

The final question is whether the 3D part actually helped the movie. I have to say that I don’t know. The pickaxes flying through the screen and other effects were cool, but they didn’t add much to the movie. The 3D elements were one of the most interesting parts of the film and I certainly wouldn’t have enjoyed it as much without them.

That being said, the difference is relatively minor in most areas and I’m not sure I can justify both the increased cost (tickets were 10 dollars each) and time to see it in 3D. I’m glad that I did, so that way I’ll know I didn’t miss anything, but I still feel as if it was a dubious trade.

The simple truth is that the 3D effects didn’t really add much to the movie, though they did add some. It gives you something to look at during the short down periods and adds an interesting effect to the action sequences but it doesn’t make a mediocre movie a great one.

In the end, it is a gimmick. Is the movie better with it than without it? Sure. But how much so is highly debatable.

Bottom Line

I don’t think MBV3D is going to take a seat among the slasher greats. Though it is one of the better ones to come out since the Scream trilogy attempted to can the entire genre, we’ve got a long way to go before we have another idea worthy of a real franchise (and subsequent murder by sequels).

Though the 3D effects do add some entertainment to the movie, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s a lukewarm film, even in a genre that has never aimed to be more than mediocre.

If you’re in the mood for a slasher film MBV3D will fill the need nicely and, if you can see it in 3D reasonably easily, do so. If you’re not a slasher fan or want to see a truly good movie, then I would steer clear.

If I am forced to give it a numeric score, I would give it a 5/10 for the 2D version and a weak 6/10 for the 3D.

PC World is a magazine I have a lot of respect for. They do a lot of great work in the field of reviewing computer products. But I noticed something when I looked at the bottom of the chart. Trend Micro got the lowest score on the list and their “Bottom Line” review reads as follows:

“Trend Micro’s latest suite fails at the most basic task of detecting and blocking malicious software. Not recommended.”

Ouch, seems pretty scathing to me. But then look at the score. It’s a 74/100. On a regular grading scale that would be a middle “C”. On a 1-10 system it would be a 7.5, well above an “average” of 5.

How the Hell do you say something “fails at the most basic task” and then give it an average or even good score? That makes no sense. The full review isn’t much more kind saying that:

“Trend Micro’s suite has some good points, but there’s no getting around the fact that Internet Security Pro 2009 fails at detecting malicious software, and therefore fails as a security program. We cannot recommend buying it.”

Clearly something is wrong with review scores when a 74 is a total failure of a program. It’s time we woke up a little bit and realized that review scores on the Web are garbage and reliance on them is dangerous, especially when dealing with security software.

However, this isn’t a new problem, it’s been going on for quite some time.

A Bit of History

I’m not the first to have noticed this strange problem. About two years ago, Destructoid made a similar observation as it relates to video games and lamented how many assume anything under a “5″ might as well be a “1″.

Our brains have been trained to assume that a review of a five is a slam, an insult. Even though, mathematically, it should be the most average, non-offensive of the reviews possible. If I give a game/application/movie/product/etc a review of a 5/10, what I should be saying is that it is mediocre, middle of the pack but what I am really saying, at least in most people’s minds, is that it stinks, it’s lousy.

This is part of the reason why RottenTomatoes, according to Destructoid, had to raise their “fresh” rating threshold on video games from 60% to 70%, because too many bad games were getting highly reviewed.

It’s obvious that online reviews are skewed toward the positive, the likely exception being Web hosting (have you SEEN those reviews?), but the real question is why?

Some Theories

As a person who regularly does reviews, I lament and loathe having to give a numerical score. First, nothing is more frustrating than having to condense a 1000 word review into a single digit. Second, I find myself giving average scores with a very high level of frequency. For example, on Kongregate, I find myself giving a review of 3/5 about half of the time with 2s and 4s making up most of the rest (a slight lean to 4 though as I do tend to play games that are already highly reviewed).

So, rather than play the “scoring” game, I usually skip such simplified reviewing. However, the few times I have done so I have noticed a few things.

1. It is Easy to Find Something You Like: Very few things are so bad that you can’t find at least one thing that you like. As humans, when thinking back on something (and all reviews really are reflections) it’s easier to think about the good than the bad. As such, even when we didn’t like something, we don’t want to discredit the good that it did bring.
2. Positive Reviews Get More Attention: If you want to get a lot of links and traffic to your post, you do much better with positive reviews. Sure, snarky over-the-top negative reviews get a lot of attention as well, but positive reviews that make people want to try the product rated generate the most attention overall. Mediocre reviews, no matter how honest, get looked over.
3. We Self-Adjust: Subconsciously, we all know that online reviews are skewed so we tend to skew our own to match. Whether it is an attempt to make sure we are not misunderstood or just mimicking what we see elsewhere, we do it. It’s that simple and it creates the cycle of destruction that we see.

However, why we are where we are is not important. What is more of an urgent matter is what do we do about it? After all, if we can’t stop the spiraling upward reviews, soon we’ll have nowhere higher to go up.

Fixing the Problem

When it comes to dealing with this issue, there are three solutions that I see.:

1. Forgo Any Kind of Rating: This one is simple, you write or produce your review, say what’s good and what’s bad and then leave it there. It’s a system adopted by Yahtzee of Zero Punctuation fame and works well for many products. The only people that are hurt are those that skim reviews looking for the final verdict. But there’s nothing stopping you from creating a short “Conclusions” section, like I seem to do on every stupid thing I write…
2. Use Non-Numeric Ratings: The whole numeric rating system doesn’t make a great deal of sense anyway. What am I supposed to do with this information? If a product has below a five should I forget it? Five to seven get it on sale? Seven to nine buy it? Nine to ten step over my own mother to get it? Why not do like Screwattacks VGR series and make a real suggestion, they condense every review to “F’ It”, “Rent it” or “Buy It”. That’s useful information. Sure, with no standard system you can’t take an average, but the averages we have today are broken so that’s no real loss.
3. Reset the Scale: Do a manual reboot of the system and check and make sure that reviews are centered on the actual middle of the range that is chosen. It’s not easy and it will make comparisons with old reviews impossible, but it’s necessary from time to time to beat the scores back down before they make like Spinal Tap and take it to 11.

Which of these will work? Probably none. No one seems really convinced that this is a problem worth talking about, but if we continue this current pace, in a few years, anything below an eight will be deemed “bad”. At that point, all credibility will have gone out the window…

Conclusions

The bottom line is this, review scores are hopelessly inflated for most products on the Web and have reached a point where they are meaningless. If you want to know if a product rocks or sucks, the best thing you can do is actually read the review. Most people will tell you even if their scores don’t.

Sure, reading something can be hard when you have a pretty, shiny, simple score to look at, but it really is necessary. Even if the scale is fair, there’s no way to condense a complicated opinion to just a single numerical value.

Trust me, I’ve tried.

The reviewer took the time to write out his or her thoughts and experiences, the least we can do is take the few minutes required to read it.

It at least beats blindly complaining about how wrong the score was.

It was a pretty good disappearing act, I grant Houdini nor even Chris Angel would be impressed, but it certainly was better than any of my attempts at magic.

However, I really have to tip my hat at Dominos, not only did they manage to make a coupon disappear, but a whole dammed pizza. By that I don’t just mean that they made MY pizza disappear, but an entire menu item and not just any menu item, but the menu item they had been pushing down my throat for the past week month.

How did they do it? I’m not exactly sure. But I’ll gladly tell you how the trick went down.

It Began With a Text…

The whole saga began with a text message. Though I am not sure how Dominos got my cell number or why they think it’s ok to text me with special deals, they seem to love calling and texting my line at their leisure. Granted, they don’t do it so much that it’s annoying and I have an unlimited text plan that keeps me from paying for their ads, but I still find the whole idea of text message advertising to be worrisome, especially when I don’t recall clearly giving my approval.

Still, a text message yesterday from them actually caught my eye. They were offering their new XL Brooklyn Style Pizza for $12. Since my wife and I are eager to save money (needing to make some cutbacks thanks to some slowdowns), the idea of eating three meals for $12 sounded pretty good.

So, I took the code from the text message and begrudgingly (I didn’t want to show my support for txt ads) gave it a try online without completing the order. It worked perfectly at a little past noon.

When it came time to decide what to get for dinner that night, I mentioned the deal and we agreed to get it. Once again, the online ordering system took the code, my credit card and ordered the pizza as a carryout.

I was actually very happy with my experience, too bad it didn’t just end there.

Signs of Trouble

The first sign of trouble came within five minutes of ordering the pizza. Domino’s has a very cool notification system that lets you track your order as it is being made. However, for some reason, this order seemed stuck at the “prep” phase, never getting past my confirmation.

I was convinced it was just a an error with the online ordering system and, after waiting about 20 minutes drove down to the nearby Dominos to pick up the pizza. As usual the line at the Dominos was long, cluttered with people who haven’t heard of the invention of the telephone and think they have to order pizza face to face, but when I got to the front and gave my name, the reaction was swift.

“Did you order the XL Brooklyn?”

Though I wouldn’t call the tone hostile, I could tell something was wrong and that the people behind the counter were upset about it. I looked at the woman working the counter, “Yes.”

A woman I believe was the manager spun around “We don’t have that pizza here.”

I was a bit stunned. Though I realized it was a somewhat new product and would require some new equipment to make, but the fact was that I had received a text about the deal, it was heavily advertised on their Web site, the online ordering system, which knew which location I was sending it to, took my order and, 20 minutes after I made the order, this was the first I had heard about it.

The manager then promised to “specially make” something for me and that it would take five to ten minutes. Though it didn’t seem like an ideal solution, I was hungry and had already made the drive so I agreed. However, what was supposed to be a five or ten minute wait stretched into 15. The only consolation I got was that the manager did provide me we a free 2 liter drink.

I figured that, while a 2-liter for fifteen minutes was a bad trade, especially if I billed Dominos for my face value time, it showed an interest in making things right. However, when I got home, the two-liter felt like an outright insult. The pizza was not “specially made” at all, it was a regular large pizza, well short of the advertised 16 inches, and was far greasier and slimier than any pizza I had ever ordered from there.

We choked it down, but even after only eating one meal’s worth only a few small slices remain, maybe enough for one of us to take for lunch.

In the end, it was $14 wasted. What was supposed to be a great deal turned out to be a time wasting nightmare. Though I can’t fault the local location for trying to make things right, their efforts fell well short and, in the end, actually made things worse. If they had just called me up immediately, given me money back and apologized, I probably wouldn’t have thought twice about it.

Some Pointers

Real fast, let’s take a look at all of the places the customer experience broke down in this one story:

1. I should not have received a text message for a deal that was not available at my local Dominos.
2. The pizza should not have been offered online if it was not available at my local Dominos (It was available with or without the code.)
3. Once the order went through, I should have been called immediately and either offered a refund or an alternative (perhaps two medium pizzas)
4. Barring that, I should have been offered that at the store, rather than being forced to accept something specially made.
5. If the pizza had to be specially made, it should have been comparable to the advertised product in every way, especially size.
6. If it can’t be comparable, it should at least be a good pizza.

In short, there are at least six ways that the customer experience broke down in this one order, starting at the highest levels of corporate and then crashing and burning at the local store.

This isn’t a situation where you say that Dominos “could have done better”, it is an outright crash and burn, what the cool kids might call an “Epic Fail”.

Conclusions

So now I am jaded with both Pizza Hut and Dominos. It might actually be a good thing we’re facing some budget cut backs at home because that means more eating in and less pizza. That will spare me from having to make ethical and personal choices about where I want my next pie to come from.

I don’t like being tormented about choosing where to get my dinner and that’s exactly what will happen the next time I think about getting pizza. With bad experiences at both Pizza Hut and Dominos, I’ll be forced to choose between a restaurant I have a grudge against and paying far more and getting delivery (I prefer carryout) from Papa Johns.

These are the types of situations that make me lose my appetite.

photo credit: Lyndi&Jason

Note: This is the first in a series of weekly columns about Mardi Gras. Between now and Lundi Gras, we’ll be covering some of the basics of Mardi Gras, including tips, tricks and suggestions from a local on how to survive Carnival in New Orleans. I’m trying to keep this series as family friendly and as broad as possible, since many people come to Mardi Gras for many different reasons, I want this to serve everyone’s needs.

There are a lot of “B” words that come to mind when one things of Bourbon St. Beads, beer, breasts, bars and booze name just a few. However, “balcony” is the only one that is part of the Bourbon St. architecture.

As you walk up and down the street, balconies literally line the road on both sides, as they do with much of the French Quarter. Apartments have them, bars have them, stores have them, hotels have them and nearly every establishment on the street has at least one.

During Mardi Gras time, these balconies become centers of activity. Revelers, not wanting to be in the crowd below, fill them to capacity. They participate by throwing beads and watching the party below. It comes with an air of exclusivity and it’s a chance to drink and have fun without being jostled by the crowd below.

But is it worth it and how does one get the most out of their balcony experience? The answers are below.

Why Balconies Suck

The first rule of balconies is simple: Don’t get a balcony.

First off, balconies are expensive. Getting one for the whole day can run thousands of dollars depending on the size and quality. Furthermore, if you haven’t booked your balcony by now, you’re probably out of luck for the 2009 Mardi Gras. You might have a slot open for 2010 though.

Second, no matter what you’re into on Mardi Gras, be it skin, costumes, drinking or general partying, you can do it all better and more cheaply on the street. Bourbon Street’s reputation for grossness is heavily overstated (especially since Katrina when a new cleaning contract started) and Mardi Gras is a more interesting experience on the street. Search the Web for Mardi Gras photos taken from balconies vs. the ground, you’ll see quickly which are more interesting.

Third, you’re stuck in one place. If the area directly underneath your balcony isn’t very active, you can’t pick up and move to where there is something going on. Makes that down payment on the balcony seem even more expensive.

Finally, if you have some kind of issue with being in a crowd that makes you want to get a balcony, you’re probably better off skipping Mardi Gras. Even with a balcony, you’re going to have to move through the crowd at some point. After all, every single neighboring street is packed too and Canal St, the edge of the French Quarter, is a major parade route.

In short, other than the ability to stand over the crowd and look/feel superior, balconies don’t have a lot to offer. That is, if you’re at Mardi Gras to have fun.

Choosing a Balcony

If you’re ignoring the first rule of balconies, the least that you can do is book your balcony well. As I said, balconies for 2009 have, almost certainly, been snatched up and the few that remain are probably either A) In terrible locations B) Overpriced or C) Both.

The good news is that there are several balconies that do rent hourly on Bourbon St. and they may still have slots available. Those slots will be pricey for what you get, and there’s a good chance you’ll be paired up with strangers, but it lets you get a taste of the balcony experience without having to spend your whole day there. You can find those by roaming the streets in advance and looking for signs.

Also, there are likely still openings for Lundi Gras (the Monday before) and the weekend before Fat Tuesday. Typically, the Mardi Gras atmosphere on Bourbon begins the Friday before and goes nonstop through Fat Tuesday. You can book on any of those days and get a good feel for the experience.

The second rule of renting a balcony is to never rent a third-story one. Not only will you definitely not be able to see thing, but throwing beads down from or up to is almost impossible without serious injury. You might not think a bead can hurt you, but when it’s dropped from 35 ft. or thrown at your face like a baseball, you learn otherwise.

Location is important but pretty simple. The “Gay District” of Bourbon St. starts at about St. Ann St. If you’re wanting to be in the traditionally “gay” area, anything from St. Ann on toward Esplanade will work well. If you want to be in the “straight” area, you go the other way, from St. Ann toward Canal, the best blocks being between Conti and St. Peter.

Though the lines between the gay and straight sections of Bourbon St. are heavily blurred during Carnival, especially toward Mardi Gras, most still prefer to get balconies in the areas that fit their own tastes.

Finally, before you rent, take a look at the balcony itself. Is it close to the street? Are there larger balconies nearby? How noticeable is it? If you don’t easily see the balcony when you’re walking down the street, then not many are going to see it when you’re on it. If you’re not wanting public attention, this is a good thing, but if you’re wanting to interact with the crowd, you need to be careful with this.

Typically speaking. the Holiday Inn and Royal Sonesta on Bourbon St. both have great balconies as far as hotels go and many bars and clubs do as well, in particular Bourbon St. Blues Co. and The Cat’s Meow.

Preparing

Once you’ve booked your balcony, you need to prepare for it. Once again, if you don’t care whether anyone notices you, you don’t have to do anything, but if you wish to encourage crowd interactions, you need to plan ahead.

First, get some decorations for your balcony. In that regard, hand-painted banners, streamers, flags, etc. are very common. Just make sure they fit the atmosphere.

Second, the best decoration by far is beads. Even if you don’t plan on throwing many, hanging large beads from your balcony is a sure-fire way to get people’s attention. Though I’ll talk more about these in another post, suffice to say that, if you’re on a balcony, you should invest in a few really visible beads to hang from the railing and many smaller ones to throw out to the crowd.

Finally, it helps to have a gimmick. Though some bring bullhorns, those seem to annoy partygoers and drive them away. Besides, do you want to listen to that on the balcony for eight hours straight? The key is to find something that is not annoying or harmful (this eliminates Airzookas, glitter, water pistols, etc.) Bubble machines are always a hit as are small non-bead giveaways. Be creative.

Running the Balcony

If you’ve prepared correctly, the balcony should almost run itself. You should have no trouble getting people’s attention and you should have everything you need for whatever you wan to do.

Still, it is important to remember that, when talking to people on the ground, you need to be as specific as possible. Saying “You with the brown hair!” will get about 25 people looking at you. Instead, be specific. Say “Green mask!” or “Red shirt”. The more specific you are, the more likely you are to get the attention of whoever you want.

Also, no matter what you plan on doing, keep a good supply of cheap throws beads you can give away for free. Not only is it a custom but you’ll find that many people will linger under your balcony until you give them something. Throw them a few cheap throws and they’ll usually move on their way, freeing up the space for others.

Bottom Line

Personally, I don’t like balconies. They’re great on non-Mardi Gras days when you want to sit around and have a few quiet drinks with friends in the open air. But during Carnival season and especially at Mardi Gras, it is a very different beast.

I don’t see much to be gained from getting a balcony and, especially given the price, would much rather be on the street. In general, it is the best way to see the sights and sounds of Mardi Gras.

But if you’re going to do it, do it right. Balconies do play a major role in the experience for those on the ground and good balconies do make Mardi Gras better for everyone.

So deal balcony dwellers, I salute you.

photo credit: krisdecurtis

Like most modern-day grinches, my loathing of the holiday is a purely adult affair. It most likely started when I was seventeen and first forced to drive in holiday traffic (unarmed no less) and hasn’t really gone away sense. Though I like certain parts of the holiday, I could easily do without most of what it has become.

That being said though, looking at Christmas through a child’s eye is a truly magical thing. I was never big on Santa Claus but I was definitely very excited about seeing family, friends and, of course, the presents.

However, even as a child, Christmas didn’t always go as planned. Though our blunders and mistakes were significantly more comedy than tragedy, they still shatter the image of the “Perfect Christmas”. But in a strange way the memories of Christmas gone wrong are some of the best, not just because they are funny, but they were the some of the best shared experiences my family had.

So what are some of my favorite cases of Christmas fail? Well, here are a few…

The Dammed Camera

photo credit: Fallen _Angel

My father always loved taking pictures. This was a tradition that encompassed almost all of my childhood, including vacations, graduations, and, predictably enough, Christmas.

During the holidays, my father’s weapon of choice was one of the old Polaroid cameras. It was a bulky, boxy monstrosity that I, as a kid, could barely even pick up. It was powered with enough batteries to start a car and had a flash bright enough to put a light on the moon. So, naturally, my father decided the best place to use it was at four o’clock on Christmas morning, when everyone was bleary-eyed and sleepy while stumbling in pitch-black darkness.

Every Christmas morning, my brother and I would have the same debate. When was too early to go into the living room? Usually, through the sheer excitement, we’d be up at about 3 but would hold off until 4 or 5, or until one of us got the courage to check and see if our parents were awake.

However, there was never a need to check. My father, like a lion stalking his prey, was always awake before we were, not having gone to bed the night before. He was waiting around the corner with his camera and, as my brother and I came stepped into the room, he would step out, press down on the button and flood us with a split second of retina-burning white light that was followed by spots and discoloration for the rest of the day.

“Merry Christmas!” he’d shout as the two of us struggled to regain our footing. We would stammer around the living room and hallway for a few minutes getting our sight back before we dove into the presents. If he had kept taking pictures, it might have been New Years before we had opened anything.

The ambushes, however, came to an end the year after we moved to our new house. It was a two-story house with a steep staircase. I was leading my brother downstairs when my father popped around the blind corner and hit us with the flash. Only this time there was no hall to stammer in, I took a blind step forward, my hand having lost the rail, lost my footing and crashed down the last few steps.

The fall wasn’t bad, I only fell about three or four steps and I managed to save myself a little at the end, but it apparently scared them enough so that, from then on out, they would make sure we were prepared before taking pictures.

Still, somewhere, my parents have a photo album with about a dozen pictures of my brother and I wincing at the might of that Polaroid flash. How I hope those never make it on the Web…

The Stereo Incident

In the era of the “Nintendo” getting a NES game was a pretty big deal. My family had a pretty strict rule with Christmas gifts, that you could get one large(r) gift and there would be several smaller ones. I never had a lot but I had more than many, which is more than I could ask for.

However, this “one gift” strategy backfired one year when I didn’t have anything large to ask for. I had mentioned one NES game, which had already crashed in price, and a small stereo, which was cheap since it was a tape stereo instead of a CD one. My parents decided to combine the two “medium” gifts into one large one but the way they laid it out didn’t work.

Christmas morning, I woke up, was blinded by dad’s camera, dove in under the three and meticulously opened everything. Among the presents was the NES game I wanted and other odds and ends. Thinking it was all, I got up, thanked my parents very much for everything and asked if I could go play the game.

However, as I sat in my room, I heard my parents come down the hall and start whispering outside my door. “Do you think he saw it?” my Dad asked.

“No, I don’t think he did,” my Mom responded.

After a few minutes of debating they came in and said, “Did you look on the table?” I raced back into the living room, confused, and looked on the table to see the new stereo. It had been completely overlooked as it was not under the tree, but on the dining room table, about six feet away.

However, even after discovery, the stereo got neglected initially. I had to wait for it to be re-setup in my room (my dad insisted on doing all hookups himself, no matter how easy) and I didn’t have anything to play in it right then save a few old tapes that had been worn down in my Walkman. So, I went back to the game and waited patiently while my dad nestled in for his Christmas morning nap.

The stereo though, got the last laugh. I still own it and have it in my house (I added a CD player to the line in port). It works well as a backup system. The game, on the other hand, was sold off five years later after I grew bored with it.

However, I never did apologize for the stereo. Somehow though, I think it understands.

Wrestling Fail

When I was younger, I was a pretty big fan of professional wrestling. It was the era of Hulk Hogan, the Ultimate Warrior, Macho Man Randy Savage, etc. Unfortunately though, WWF, now WWE, never came anywhere near my house in South Carolina. The good news was that WCW did. When I saw on one of the TV shows that they had a house show scheduled for December 26th, I decided against asking for actual toys and, instead, asked for tickets to the event.

Though my dad was happy to save some money, I’m sure he loathed the event and that he would have to chaperone a 9-year-old wrestling fan to something he knew nothing about. Still, he was happy to grin and bear it.

We made the drive the next day to the Township Auditorium in Columbia to watch the event. It was my first time at a live event of any variety. I remember the ring, the guardrails and, most of all, the empty seats.

Almost literally, we were the only ones there.

All totaled maybe a dozen people showed up for the event. Our tickets were third row ringside but we just moved up to the front row. No reason not to, no one was around us for about 15 seats in all directions.

There were a lot of great wrestlers there including Junkyard Dog, One Man Gang, Flyin’ Brian and even Sting (not “Crow” Sting, “Surfer” Sting for those that know what that means). But you could tell the wind was out of their sails pretty bad. Not only were they all away from their families, but no one showed up for the event.

In the end, I walked way with no autographs, no souvenirs, just a memory of an empty auditorium and very heavy-hearted wrestlers doing their best. I can’t blame them for not being too into it. Still, despite the experience, I went back to the Township for many other wrestling events. Most of which were much better attended…

Final Thoughts

All in all, growing up, I had good Christmases. I’ve got nothing to complain about. Sure, I had my fair share of holiday fail, enough to fill two more posts like this at least, but that’s not necessarily bad.

After all, as an adult, I don’t remember all of the gifts that I got or the people that I saw. However, I do remember all of the great times I’ve had laughing about the moments that did not go as planned.

After all, that’s what family is about sharing the good times and making light of the challenges. It’s just that my family seems to the the latter VERY well.

We’ve had lots of practice.

That being said, until recently, Dominos is the only pizza place that has had a decent online ordering system. The problem with that being that my local Dominos sucks, being run by the reject cast members of a bad stoner comedy and managed by the evil father from the Twisted Sister music videos (YAY for obscure references), I would almost rather shove pins under my fingernails than set foot inside of there.

When Pizza Hut finally decided to entire the 1990′s and add an online store to their site, I was thrilled. Though my local Pizza Hut is not run much better, at least it gave me a choice and some competition, especially for price.

Though it has been up for a while, I don’t order pizza that often and finally got the chance to give it a try last night. Off the bat, Pizza Hut did everything right. They enticed me with a good deal, lured me to register for the site and even got my information.

The only thing they botched was actually giving me the deal I had clicked on, causing me to leave the site in a huff of anger and a strange hunger for McDonalds.

What happened? Well, let me explain.

The Case of the Disappearing Coupon

When I first visited the Pizza Hut site, I was hungry and broke so I was looking for a good deal. There, on the front page, was an excellent one: A $1 P’zone.

My wife and I had never tried the P’zones and were curious. We like calzones just fine so it seemed like a good meal. Besides, even if it were a buy one, get one for a dollar deal, the two of us would still eat cheaper than if we actually got a pizza.

So I clicked the link and was taken to a second page asking for my address and other information. However, on the left of all this, again, was the exact same ad for the exact same deal. I could almost taste the P’zone goodness already.

I then filled out my information, giving both my address and my zip code over to the Pizza Hut Web Gods and then was taken to their deals page where…

There was no coupon at all.

I scrolled up and down the deals page looking for this deal but it was nowhere to be found. There were all kinds of offers, some of which were also kind of good, but there were no deals at all for the P’zone. I could add them to my shopping cart. But even if I added two I was charged full price.

The end result was that the P’zone deal, advertised two times on the site itself, disappeared after they got my information.

Way to screw the pooch.

Possible Reasons

Thinking about this over the course of the night, I realized that there are three possible reasons that this could have happened.

1. Website Error: It is possible that the deal ended and was just not removed from the front pages. However, this would require not one, but two separate screw ups on the Webmaster’s part and indicate a level of unprofessionalism I commonly associate with investment banks.
2. Deal Not Valid at My Location: The second is that my local restaurant is not honoring that deal so it was removed from my options. However, since my order was carryout, I should have been notified of that and allowed to choose another Pizza Hut that was still close. Who knows? It might have been worth the drive. However, even if the order were delivery, I should have been notified, not just have this nice offer yanked out from underneath me.
3. Bait and Switch: I don’t want to believe that a company like Pizza Hut would engage in such a 9th grade tactics, but it was the end result, regardless of intent. The only problem was that I didn’t buy into it and instead went elsewhere, with a firm promise not to buy from Pizza Hut again until I got an explanation.

On that note, I did file a complaint with Pizza Hut via their comment form and will update this post when and if they respond. However, considering that the error is still there and it has been nearly 24 hours since I contacted them, I am not hopeful. I certainly don’t expect them to bend to my will, but if this were an innocent mistake and I was the first to report it (the latter being HIGHLY unlikely), one would like to think that something would have been done almost immediately.

Bottom Line

For me, the bottom line is simple, online ordering is much more efficient than phone ordering but only if the pizza companies don’t screw it up. Though it makes me weep that Domino’s best customer service is online, it’s a fact of life and, as a result, I’m likely going to keep ordering from there.

That is, until either Papa John’s gets an online ordering system that actually works or Pizza Hut cleans up its mess.

Offline, it is a three-way horserace between the companies, online, it is clear to me that Domino’s owns the pizza-related Web.

But while James Bond himself might have always been a borderline case of self parody, especially with his one-liners, it was a pair of movies that took that sense of humor to a natural new height. “Our Man Flint” and “In Like Flint”, also known as the “Flint” movies, lampooned Bond not through silly gags or fart jokes, but by simply being more “Bond” than 007 could ever hope to be.

If Bond has a “Bond Babe” then Flint has a dozen. If Bond is a black belt then Flint is a master of a dozen martial arts. If Bond speaks four languages, Flint speaks every single one and can talk to dolphins to boot (thus making him part Aquaman too, I suppose).

Flints movies were not action movies nor were they outright parodies, they were a strange hybrid of the two, meant to be both funny and totally awesome at the same time. Though self-aware and self-depreciating, it was still almost suave enough to pass as an actual comic book spy romp.

The Flint movies, much like their title character, is hard to nail down and define, but simply too cool to turn away from.

The Basic Premise

Flint, as mentioned above, is a parody of the Bond style of spy movie and, as such, it follows the same basic outline.

Both of the movies begin with some evil empire plotting to take over the world. In the first, “Our Man Flint”, it is a group of scientist blackmailing the world’s governments by controlling the weather and in the second, “In Like Flint”, it is a group of feminists seeking to replace the president and cower the world with nuclear weapons.

From there, it is up to Flint to stop them using a wide array of gadgets, intellect and brawn to get the job done. What turns Flint from a Bond knock off to a Bond parody is that all of this is pushed to eleven. Where Bond is super-human smart, Flint is able to pinpoint the region in the world to find bouillabaisse with the exact proportions found on the feathers of a poison dart. Where Bond has gadgets, but Flint’s cigarette lighter allegedly has 82 different functions, including the ability to shatter objects with sound.

In that regard, Flint is not a parody in the style of Austin Powers. In fact, those used to that kind of “in your face” parodying will be very lost in the Flint movies. Flint’s humor is much more subtle, coming from the sheer ridiculousness of the movie and its characters but it is a degree of silliness that is only removed from the “serious” spy movies by a razor-thin edge.

If you don’t watch the Flint movies closely, you might mistake it for a serious 60s spy flick. The humor is deadpan and requires your complete attention. Much like “Police Squad” (though not so much the “Naked Gun” movies that followed), if you aren’t thinking and aren’t aware of the culture, you don’t get the humor.

In short, it’s a spy parody for people who like spy movies.

The Good

Overall, the movies are solid in terms of writing and acting. James Coburn turns in a great performance as Derek Flint. Lee J. Cobb does an equally sound job playing the straight-edge Lloyd Cramden, who is the head of the top-secret Zonal Organization for World Intelligence and Espionage (Z.O.W.I.E.) that “commands” Flint.

However, other than those two, there aren’t any characters to speak of. The villains are stock, the women are stock, the scientists are stock, everyone one is stock and that is part of the design of the movie, watching this outrageous super-spy trample over a cardboard-cutout of a global plot.

For the most part, the movies are solid and fun. The dialog is good, the acting gets the job done and the movie manages to maintain its surreal tone throughout, keeping it just far enough removed from traditional spy flicks to make it funny but close enough to somehow make it believable at the same time.

The Bad

The first movie “Our Man Flint” is definitely the stronger of the two. Though both are somewhat slow to get off the ground, “In Like Flint” seems to drag longer and have less substance to it. To make matters worse, the gag really is played out pretty completely after the first flick and the second one doesn’t bring much new to it.

Also, despite the provocative cover art, the movies seem to suffer from an extreme lack of sexiness. Though both flicks are flooded with beautiful women, the insane volume of females being another element of the joke, none really stand out nor are given any chance to really shine. The women almost become part of the scenery, not part of the movie, a natural consequence of throwing so many at the screen at once.

For example. Flint starts both movies with either three or four beautiful live-in “playmates” and constantly has other women thrown at him through the course of the flick. Though a fitting spoof of Mr. Bond, I can think of several Bond flicks that felt sexier than either of the Flint movies, despite having much less skin and fewer women.

Still, these are not deal breakers and, in a strange way, actually add to the charm of the movies. Though the slowness seems to drag the second movie down a bit, especially during the beginning and middle, both remain enjoyable, if one can approach them with a willingness to think and laugh.

Conclusions

To be honest, the Flint movies aren’t for everyone and I have to wonder aloud who they are for. It’s a comedy without any “jokes” other than its own existence. Even if you get the jokes, you won’t likely laugh out loud or be rolling in the aisles.

Flint is, in my opinion, a movie targeted at the Mystery Science Theater 3000 crowd, it is a movie for people who like to make fun of movies. You can sit there, do you best Tom Servo impression and insult this movie with immunity. That is what it was made for.

If that sounds like a good way to spend an evening to you, then you will love Flint.

This is not to say that Flint is a “bad” movie, like the ones usually features on MST3K, but rather. that it is one that invites itself to be laughed at, not with. If you like that kind of thing, then you’re probably a mean spirited person that shouldn’t be allowed near children, but definitely someone who is going to enjoy the Flint movies.

Honestly though, I think that says more about you than the movies…

A well-known Grinch, the same people who shun me the weekend after Black Friday suddenly line up at my non-existent door. My anti-Christmas CD, an annual tradition in my house, becomes a source of solace. My expertise in the music that lampoons the holidays comes into high(er) demand. Whether one genuinely hate the holidays or simply needs to vent some frustration, it seems I’m the person they turn to.

But what are the best songs for feeding your holiday angst? Well… it all depends on what you’re looking for. Here are some of my current pics in way I break them down.

Cute and Cuddly

If you don’t really hate Christmas and just want a few cute songs to mix in with your traditional Christmas CD, here are a few tracks that can give you a good start.

You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch by Thurl Ravenscroft (buy)

Everyone knows this song, it is the main take away from the Dr. Seuss “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” that everyone has seen a thousand times. It is the traditional intro song on our CDs and no anti-Christmas CD is complete without it. One fun fact many don’t know is the singer of this song also did the voice for Tony the Tiger. Just in case you thought the voice sounded a bit familiar.

One More Halloween (buy)

Every year at Thanksigiving, Theatre in the Park (see link above) came down to Columbia, SC to do their comical, musical version of “A Christmas Carol”. In “One More Halloween” Scrooge claims to “Not be a man so settled in his ways, that he doesn’t celebrate our better holidays” and says he would “trade Christmas any year for one more Halloween”.

The song is a classical fun musical tune but is almost impossible to get. My copy came from a CD I bought at one of their performances. I’ve included a link to their site to see if anyone else has better luck getting them to sell downloads of this song.

I Hate Christmas by Ren and Stimpy (buy)

Ren and Stimpy, or more specifically Ren, turns in one of my favorite musical performances. It’s a blues jam session with Ren “tickling the ivories” and venting his hatred for the holiday. It’s the traditional closer for every mix CD we produce and one of the most calm and laid back songs on the list, quite stunning considering where it came from.

Genuine Anti-Christmas (But Clean)

Stepping up the rhetoric a bit we move into songs that are openly hostile to the holiday, or at least elements of it, but remain relatively family and radio-friendly. So what are some of the best in this area?

I Won’t Be Home for Christmas by Ray Stevens (buy)

Whether you like most of Ray Steven’s stuff is a personal call, but this song hits a nerve on Christmas day, detailing his struggles when the whole “famn damily” shows up for Christmas. Typical Ray Stevens style, it is a lyrics-heavy storytelling tune that even had my parents laughing. With the album just re-released, it is a perfect time to pick it up and his other Christmas songs (Update: Now it is saying that it is sold out).

The Night Santa Went Crazy by Weird Al Yankovic (buy)

Everyone seems to know Weird Al’s older anti-Christmas song “Christmas at Ground Zero” but overlook his gem from the Bad Hair Day album entitled “The Night Santa Went Crazy”. Clean in the sense that it could be played on the radio, it is an ultra-violent Christmas epic where Santa snaps and goes on a shooting rampage at the north pole. Classic. If you purchase the concert video it has a second version of the song with an even more violent ending.

I Won’t Be Home for Christmas by Blink 182 (iTunes)

Though carrying the same title as the Ray Stevens song above, it is a very different work. A punk song the band described a war on Christmas Eve after the narrator “snaps” and attacks a group of carolers. It’s a catchy, high-energy song that stands out on the list but is a must for any rock fans that want to add a little guitar into their anti-Christmas.

Slightly More Vulgar

If you don’t mind a little foul language with your Anti-Christmas music, you’ve opened up a whole new world of songs. Though you can’t play any of these at your office Christmas party, you can probably play them around good friends and any cool family members you have.

Santa’s Gonna Kick Your Ass by The Arrogant Worms (buy)

The Arrogant Worms are a Canadian novelty act that are not very well known below the border and are worth checking out in general. However, this song is an anti-Christmas masterpiece detailing santa’s “rotten year” and why he’s “loaded with attitude”. More to the point though, it lists all of the horrible things Santa is going to do when he does come to your house this year, including burning down your Christmas tree and letting the reindeer eat your flowers.

Ho Ho Fucking Ho by Kevin Bloody Wilson (buy)

Kevin Bloody Wilson is an Australian known for his over-the-top vulgar songs and parodies. However, his Chrismas CD turned out to be something of a let down with only a few gems. The good news is that this is definitely one of them. Ho Ho Fucking Ho is a song detailing a mutiny at the north pole with the elves, reindeer and even Mrs. Clause turning on their beloved leader. We learn more about Santa in this one song that we do in many hours of “holiday movies”.

Here Comes Fatty Clause by Rudolf & Gang (buy)

This song is more appropriate than ever. With the hard economic times, the credit crisis and the condition everyone’s pocketbook is in, this one makes too much sense. It is all about how Santa comes but once a year but the rest of us get stuck paying the tab the other 364. This is one for all of the parents out there.

“Blue” Christmas

For those that want an even more “mature” Christmas CD, there are tons of great songs out there. Most follow the simple formula of take a classic Christmas song and affixing the dirtiest words possible to it. Simple, yet almost always pretty funny.

I won’t recommend any specific tracks since it is hard to pick one over another, but if this is your bag, you need to check out John Valby. Valby is a U.S.-based artist that does little more than dirty limericks and raunchy ballads. With enough obscenity to make George Carlin proud, Valby is a natural choice this time of year.

Happy Holidays

This is by no means meant to be a complete list. In fact, it is designed with the understanding that I’ll do another one in 2009, 2010, etc. These are just some of the favorites this year.

Still, I am eager to hear your suggestions, so please, if you have a moment, leave a comment and let me know what your favorite Anti-Christmas tracks are this year.