The Ghost of Christmas Fail

photo credit: krisdecurtis

Like most modern-day grinches, my loathing of the holiday is a purely adult affair. It most likely started when I was seventeen and first forced to drive in holiday traffic (unarmed no less) and hasn’t really gone away sense. Though I like certain parts of the holiday, I could easily do without most of what it has become.

That being said though, looking at Christmas through a child’s eye is a truly magical thing. I was never big on Santa Claus but I was definitely very excited about seeing family, friends and, of course, the presents.

However, even as a child, Christmas didn’t always go as planned. Though our blunders and mistakes were significantly more comedy than tragedy, they still shatter the image of the “Perfect Christmas”. But in a strange way the memories of Christmas gone wrong are some of the best, not just because they are funny, but they were the some of the best shared experiences my family had.

So what are some of my favorite cases of Christmas fail? Well, here are a few…

The Dammed Camera

photo credit: Fallen _Angel

My father always loved taking pictures. This was a tradition that encompassed almost all of my childhood, including vacations, graduations, and, predictably enough, Christmas.

During the holidays, my father’s weapon of choice was one of the old Polaroid cameras. It was a bulky, boxy monstrosity that I, as a kid, could barely even pick up. It was powered with enough batteries to start a car and had a flash bright enough to put a light on the moon. So, naturally, my father decided the best place to use it was at four o’clock on Christmas morning, when everyone was bleary-eyed and sleepy while stumbling in pitch-black darkness.

Every Christmas morning, my brother and I would have the same debate. When was too early to go into the living room? Usually, through the sheer excitement, we’d be up at about 3 but would hold off until 4 or 5, or until one of us got the courage to check and see if our parents were awake.

However, there was never a need to check. My father, like a lion stalking his prey, was always awake before we were, not having gone to bed the night before. He was waiting around the corner with his camera and, as my brother and I came stepped into the room, he would step out, press down on the button and flood us with a split second of retina-burning white light that was followed by spots and discoloration for the rest of the day.

“Merry Christmas!” he’d shout as the two of us struggled to regain our footing. We would stammer around the living room and hallway for a few minutes getting our sight back before we dove into the presents. If he had kept taking pictures, it might have been New Years before we had opened anything.

The ambushes, however, came to an end the year after we moved to our new house. It was a two-story house with a steep staircase. I was leading my brother downstairs when my father popped around the blind corner and hit us with the flash. Only this time there was no hall to stammer in, I took a blind step forward, my hand having lost the rail, lost my footing and crashed down the last few steps.

The fall wasn’t bad, I only fell about three or four steps and I managed to save myself a little at the end, but it apparently scared them enough so that, from then on out, they would make sure we were prepared before taking pictures.

Still, somewhere, my parents have a photo album with about a dozen pictures of my brother and I wincing at the might of that Polaroid flash. How I hope those never make it on the Web…

The Stereo Incident

In the era of the “Nintendo” getting a NES game was a pretty big deal. My family had a pretty strict rule with Christmas gifts, that you could get one large(r) gift and there would be several smaller ones. I never had a lot but I had more than many, which is more than I could ask for.

However, this “one gift” strategy backfired one year when I didn’t have anything large to ask for. I had mentioned one NES game, which had already crashed in price, and a small stereo, which was cheap since it was a tape stereo instead of a CD one. My parents decided to combine the two “medium” gifts into one large one but the way they laid it out didn’t work.

Christmas morning, I woke up, was blinded by dad’s camera, dove in under the three and meticulously opened everything. Among the presents was the NES game I wanted and other odds and ends. Thinking it was all, I got up, thanked my parents very much for everything and asked if I could go play the game.

However, as I sat in my room, I heard my parents come down the hall and start whispering outside my door. “Do you think he saw it?” my Dad asked.

“No, I don’t think he did,” my Mom responded.

After a few minutes of debating they came in and said, “Did you look on the table?” I raced back into the living room, confused, and looked on the table to see the new stereo. It had been completely overlooked as it was not under the tree, but on the dining room table, about six feet away.

However, even after discovery, the stereo got neglected initially. I had to wait for it to be re-setup in my room (my dad insisted on doing all hookups himself, no matter how easy) and I didn’t have anything to play in it right then save a few old tapes that had been worn down in my Walkman. So, I went back to the game and waited patiently while my dad nestled in for his Christmas morning nap.

The stereo though, got the last laugh. I still own it and have it in my house (I added a CD player to the line in port). It works well as a backup system. The game, on the other hand, was sold off five years later after I grew bored with it.

However, I never did apologize for the stereo. Somehow though, I think it understands.

Wrestling Fail

When I was younger, I was a pretty big fan of professional wrestling. It was the era of Hulk Hogan, the Ultimate Warrior, Macho Man Randy Savage, etc. Unfortunately though, WWF, now WWE, never came anywhere near my house in South Carolina. The good news was that WCW did. When I saw on one of the TV shows that they had a house show scheduled for December 26th, I decided against asking for actual toys and, instead, asked for tickets to the event.

Though my dad was happy to save some money, I’m sure he loathed the event and that he would have to chaperone a 9-year-old wrestling fan to something he knew nothing about. Still, he was happy to grin and bear it.

We made the drive the next day to the Township Auditorium in Columbia to watch the event. It was my first time at a live event of any variety. I remember the ring, the guardrails and, most of all, the empty seats.

Almost literally, we were the only ones there.

All totaled maybe a dozen people showed up for the event. Our tickets were third row ringside but we just moved up to the front row. No reason not to, no one was around us for about 15 seats in all directions.

There were a lot of great wrestlers there including Junkyard Dog, One Man Gang, Flyin’ Brian and even Sting (not “Crow” Sting, “Surfer” Sting for those that know what that means). But you could tell the wind was out of their sails pretty bad. Not only were they all away from their families, but no one showed up for the event.

In the end, I walked way with no autographs, no souvenirs, just a memory of an empty auditorium and very heavy-hearted wrestlers doing their best. I can’t blame them for not being too into it. Still, despite the experience, I went back to the Township for many other wrestling events. Most of which were much better attended…

Final Thoughts

All in all, growing up, I had good Christmases. I’ve got nothing to complain about. Sure, I had my fair share of holiday fail, enough to fill two more posts like this at least, but that’s not necessarily bad.

After all, as an adult, I don’t remember all of the gifts that I got or the people that I saw. However, I do remember all of the great times I’ve had laughing about the moments that did not go as planned.

After all, that’s what family is about sharing the good times and making light of the challenges. It’s just that my family seems to the the latter VERY well.

We’ve had lots of practice.