The Best Anti-Christmas Tracks 2008

It is that time of year again. The holiday season has been in full swing for about two weeks and, with another two to go, most mortals are already feeling the pinch of holiday burn out.

A well-known Grinch, the same people who shun me the weekend after Black Friday suddenly line up at my non-existent door. My anti-Christmas CD, an annual tradition in my house, becomes a source of solace. My expertise in the music that lampoons the holidays comes into high(er) demand. Whether one genuinely hate the holidays or simply needs to vent some frustration, it seems I’m the person they turn to.

But what are the best songs for feeding your holiday angst? Well… it all depends on what you’re looking for. Here are some of my current pics in way I break them down.

Cute and Cuddly

If you don’t really hate Christmas and just want a few cute songs to mix in with your traditional Christmas CD, here are a few tracks that can give you a good start.

You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch by Thurl Ravenscroft (buy)

Everyone knows this song, it is the main take away from the Dr. Seuss “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” that everyone has seen a thousand times. It is the traditional intro song on our CDs and no anti-Christmas CD is complete without it. One fun fact many don’t know is the singer of this song also did the voice for Tony the Tiger. Just in case you thought the voice sounded a bit familiar.

One More Halloween (buy)

Every year at Thanksigiving, Theatre in the Park (see link above) came down to Columbia, SC to do their comical, musical version of “A Christmas Carol”. In “One More Halloween” Scrooge claims to “Not be a man so settled in his ways, that he doesn’t celebrate our better holidays” and says he would “trade Christmas any year for one more Halloween”.

The song is a classical fun musical tune but is almost impossible to get. My copy came from a CD I bought at one of their performances. I’ve included a link to their site to see if anyone else has better luck getting them to sell downloads of this song.

I Hate Christmas by Ren and Stimpy (buy)

Ren and Stimpy, or more specifically Ren, turns in one of my favorite musical performances. It’s a blues jam session with Ren “tickling the ivories” and venting his hatred for the holiday. It’s the traditional closer for every mix CD we produce and one of the most calm and laid back songs on the list, quite stunning considering where it came from.

Genuine Anti-Christmas (But Clean)

Stepping up the rhetoric a bit we move into songs that are openly hostile to the holiday, or at least elements of it, but remain relatively family and radio-friendly. So what are some of the best in this area?

I Won’t Be Home for Christmas by Ray Stevens (buy)

Whether you like most of Ray Steven’s stuff is a personal call, but this song hits a nerve on Christmas day, detailing his struggles when the whole “famn damily” shows up for Christmas. Typical Ray Stevens style, it is a lyrics-heavy storytelling tune that even had my parents laughing. With the album just re-released, it is a perfect time to pick it up and his other Christmas songs (Update: Now it is saying that it is sold out).

The Night Santa Went Crazy by Weird Al Yankovic (buy)

Everyone seems to know Weird Al’s older anti-Christmas song “Christmas at Ground Zero” but overlook his gem from the Bad Hair Day album entitled “The Night Santa Went Crazy”. Clean in the sense that it could be played on the radio, it is an ultra-violent Christmas epic where Santa snaps and goes on a shooting rampage at the north pole. Classic. If you purchase the concert video it has a second version of the song with an even more violent ending.

I Won’t Be Home for Christmas by Blink 182 (iTunes)

Though carrying the same title as the Ray Stevens song above, it is a very different work. A punk song the band described a war on Christmas Eve after the narrator “snaps” and attacks a group of carolers. It’s a catchy, high-energy song that stands out on the list but is a must for any rock fans that want to add a little guitar into their anti-Christmas.

Slightly More Vulgar

If you don’t mind a little foul language with your Anti-Christmas music, you’ve opened up a whole new world of songs. Though you can’t play any of these at your office Christmas party, you can probably play them around good friends and any cool family members you have.

Santa’s Gonna Kick Your Ass by The Arrogant Worms (buy)

The Arrogant Worms are a Canadian novelty act that are not very well known below the border and are worth checking out in general. However, this song is an anti-Christmas masterpiece detailing santa’s “rotten year” and why he’s “loaded with attitude”. More to the point though, it lists all of the horrible things Santa is going to do when he does come to your house this year, including burning down your Christmas tree and letting the reindeer eat your flowers.

Ho Ho Fucking Ho by Kevin Bloody Wilson (buy)

Kevin Bloody Wilson is an Australian known for his over-the-top vulgar songs and parodies. However, his Chrismas CD turned out to be something of a let down with only a few gems. The good news is that this is definitely one of them. Ho Ho Fucking Ho is a song detailing a mutiny at the north pole with the elves, reindeer and even Mrs. Clause turning on their beloved leader. We learn more about Santa in this one song that we do in many hours of “holiday movies”.

Here Comes Fatty Clause by Rudolf & Gang (buy)

This song is more appropriate than ever. With the hard economic times, the credit crisis and the condition everyone’s pocketbook is in, this one makes too much sense. It is all about how Santa comes but once a year but the rest of us get stuck paying the tab the other 364. This is one for all of the parents out there.

“Blue” Christmas

For those that want an even more “mature” Christmas CD, there are tons of great songs out there. Most follow the simple formula of take a classic Christmas song and affixing the dirtiest words possible to it. Simple, yet almost always pretty funny.

I won’t recommend any specific tracks since it is hard to pick one over another, but if this is your bag, you need to check out John Valby. Valby is a U.S.-based artist that does little more than dirty limericks and raunchy ballads. With enough obscenity to make George Carlin proud, Valby is a natural choice this time of year.

Happy Holidays

This is by no means meant to be a complete list. In fact, it is designed with the understanding that I’ll do another one in 2009, 2010, etc. These are just some of the favorites this year.

Still, I am eager to hear your suggestions, so please, if you have a moment, leave a comment and let me know what your favorite Anti-Christmas tracks are this year.